Initial D: PlatinumGames Stage 1
by GWTRchan
Summary: Bayonetta and Jeanne decide to break the monotony of their daily lives and embark on an adventure to become street racers and dominate the Gumma area.
1. The Two Meet (Eurobeat Edition)

**Prologue: The Two Meet (Eurobeat Edition)**

* * *

It was an ordinary evening and Bayonetta was home alone, chilling on the couch and playing some _Bayonetta_. It wasn't a rare occasion, she enjoyed playing the game quite a bit. Maybe it had something to do with the amazing similarities between the game's story and things she experienced herself. In fact, the game got everything right, up to all her phrases and her moves. Bayonetta did not make too much sense of the similarities, though, as she rarely gave a single fuck about anything.

"Where's that witch Jeanne?" She thought to herself. "Isn't she tired already of teaching those students 'till late evening? I swear, I would have probably unleashed the Umbran Climax on their asses the first week of working in that school."

The sounds of a motorcycle cut through the peaceful quietness of the night as Jeanne approached the house. She did a sick drift and crashed her way into the garage through the closed gate, waking up everyone in the whole neighbourhood.

"Finally." Said Bayonetta as she got up from the couch and went to greet her Umbran sister. She did not put the controller down, however. Being in a completely different room did not stop her from making her way through the game and getting Pure Platinum medals only.

"Hello, Cereza." Jeanne sounded tired as hell.

"Evening, Jeanne. I've been thinking, aren't you tired of working in that school? I think we should break the monotony of our lives somehow. You know, I'm so bored I am playing that strange game on the console we've bought recently. Strangely, it resembles our adventures really well." She sighed, finally paused the game and put down the controller.

"You know what, Cereza? I have a dream I've had for quite some time. I hope you'll understand me." She paused for a while, then continued. "You've seen _Initial D_ , right? I want to get into street racing and race that Takumi dude someday. You probably don't know, but I've been listening to Eurobeat ever since I've seen the _First Stage_. Cereza, I would be so happy if we can go together and form a racing team. We will dominate the Gumma zone and then we'll dominate the whole Japan and..." She was interrupted by Bayonetta.

"It's all great, my dear, but how are we going to obtain a car? I haven't seen Enzo for months now."

"Ahh, fuck the car, Cereza, we got the beast form after all."

So began their adventure to Japan. Upon arriving there, they bought an apartment near Akina and started practicing running multiple mountain roads. They practiced in Purgatorio, of course, as they did not want to disturb the people that drove by occasionally.

Hideki Kamiya was sitting in his office. He was bored to hell and decided to check his Twitter. He scrolled through thousands of Bayonetta 3 requests, banned some dudes that dared to tag him in their conversation and some other dudes who complained to him about the newly released sequel to the prequel to the sequel of the prequel of the reboot of another EA franchise.

"What did I ever do to EA so they sent me all these people who complain to me about their game?!" He thought.

Another notification popped on his phone. It was a request to port the original _Bayonetta_ to the Oyua.

"Fuck this, I'm done with this shit." Screamed Kamiya as he ran towards the elevator and out of the building. He sat in his eight-six (what a coincidence, right?) and floored the gas pedal. He put a random cassette in and it ended up being a Eurobeat mix so he started drifting on the streets, causing several accidents. Police would have arrested him, but the Eurobeat blasting in his car proved him completely innocent and he was left alone.

"Wow, this is such a stress reliever! I may as well drive to the nearest mountain road." Kamiya though to himself and hit the highway.

Bayonetta and Jeanne were practicing drifting in their beast forms. It proved to be very difficult as cats don't usually drift. In fact, they only do so on YouTube. Jeanne was pissed off her plan did not work and the fact that they have spent all their money on an apartment made the situation even worse as she did not see the possibility of buying a car in the near future.

"Cereza, I think I'll have to teach history again." She said in frustration.

Suddenly, they heard sounds of a car powersliding through corners. A white Toyota appeared from the corner.

"Holy shit, it's an eight-six!" Jeanne screamed.

The witches entered the human world again and made Kamiya shit his pants and stop the car. Bayonetta approached the car. The window rolled down, revealing Kamiya. He was shocked to see Bayonetta, he even paused the playlist.

"Hey, what's your name?" Kamiya's voice was full of admiration.

"Bayonetta. Hey, how much did this car co.." She was interrupted.

"No, I meant your real name."

"Ehhm, Cereza. It's not very popular, though."

"Really? Wow, this is too good to be true. You know, this is the coolest Bayo cosplay I've ever seen."

"Coolest what? Listen, I don't know who you are I don't give a shit about your fantasies, but can you answer my question? How much does an eight-six cost? We are trying to get into street racing."

"Hey, have some respect. My name is Hideki Kamiya. I designed Bayonetta and you're cosplaying her!"

"Aaah, I see. Speaking the truth, I have another question I want to ask. How did you know my every step in two of my little adventures?"

"Well, I came up with them. I see you're good at roleplay as well." Kamiya still had not noticed Jeanne standing behind Bayonetta.

"What is the meaning of this? Don't waste our time!" Jeanne said loudly as she morphed into her beast form and ran off down the course.

"Wait, wait, what's going on?" Kamiya was confused. "Don't tell me I'm witnessing the real Umbra Witches here?"

"Indeed, we are Umbra Witches." Bayonetta mumbled and demonstrated some techniques she bought at the 'Gates of Hell'.

"Holy shit, what the actual fuck?" Kamiya was screaming in panic.

"Now listen up, dear. I want you guys at PlatinumGames to make a game about Jeanne. You know, she lead quite a lifestyle while I was asleep for 500 years. So much potential." Kamiya was still speechless.

Their conversation was interrupted as someone approached them in an AE85. The stranger got out of his car, ran up to Kamiya and started annoying him with questions about his eight-six.

"Who are you anyway?" Kamiya was pissed. He even forgot the fact he just met the real Bayonetta.

"My name is Itsuki and I love all AE86 cars, that's all."

"Can't you see, Itsuki? We are trying to set up a race." Said Bayonetta.

"Really? Then where's your car?"

"Well, you see, we Umbra Witches don't really need cars."

"You mean you're going to run?" Itsuki was almost laughing.

"Sort of... Listen, Kamiya, if I win you'll have to announce the new game about Jeanne the next day." Itsuki was dying of laughter in the background.

"Uhhh, ahhh." Kamiya wasn't very comfortable with that condition.

"Hey, man, you have a AE86 Sprinter Trueno, come on! You're gonna win! There is now way you're losing! Come on, a street racer can't simply decline a challenge." Itsuki was trying to convince Kamiya to accept and he was annoying as fuck so it was hard to decline.

"Okay, I accept, but hold on. If you lose you're gonna have to work at PlatinumGames for the rest of your eternal life. We're also going to record a video of you saying there will be no more Bayonetta games and no fucking ports, okay?"

"No problem! We're going to race on Akina on Friday. We'll meet you close to midnight." Bayonetta explained. "I'll see you then, Hideki."

As Itsuki witnessed the race being planned, the next day literally everyone knew what was going on. A witch was going to race an eight-six and a show was promised.


	2. Akina, Mount of Déjà Vu

**Act I: Akina, Mount of** **Déjà Vu**

* * *

Jeanne wasn't very happy with Bayonetta racing Kamiya alone.

"Don't worry, it's going to be fine. A surprise awaits you if I win."

"Cereza, are you sick? You can't even drift in panther form, how are you going pass him? It's not fucking Route 666! He drives a proper car, it's not that piece of military shit Luka stole in Vigrid."

"Listen, I noticed something when we were on Akina. I have a plan. Trust me."

The next few days Bayonetta did anything but practicing, probably because she wanted to be as cool as Takumi.

A lot of people gathered on Akina to see the race. Kamiya was feeling kind of nervous as he was driving up the mountain, so many people greeted him.

"I am fast enough, I will prove it and get rid of the annoying port requests." He though. "After all, she could not possibly keep up with a car on a mountain road, even in her beast form."

Kamiya reached the start line and parked. Many teams gathered to see the race. Akina Speedstars, NightKids, Red Suns were there.

"I cannot skip an oportunity to see the legendary Umbra Witch in action." Takahashi Ryosuke told Kamiya. "I am a fan of the _Bayonetta_ series, you know that?"

"Ohh, okay I guess." Kamiya was getting more and more nervous as time passed.

"By the way, do you plan on making a third game anytime soon?" Ryosuke wondered.

"If Bayonetta wins I'll have to announce it tomorrow."

"Oh, that's cool. You think you can win?"

"I don't think the experience she got during Route 666 was enough, to be honest."

"Never underestimate an Umbra Witch. If my calculations are correct, you are totally fucked my friend. My calculations are correct 99.99% of times, you should know that." Ryosuke wanted to demoralize Kamiya as he wanted to see another _Bayonetta_ game as soon as possible. In actual fact, he had no idea how Bayonetta would be able to keep up with an eight-six.

It was already 23:59 and the witches were nowhere to be seen. Some people were already disappointed and though the race got cancelled or something. Suddenly, a second before midnight the radio picked up something.

"Hold on, don't begin. We got some fucking cats down here."

"It's the Umbra Witches!" The crowd went apeshit.

Minutes later the witches were at the top and both Kamiya and Bayonetta were ready to race.

"Don't fuck up, Cereza. I believe in you." Jeanne was nervous about the race.

The radio picked up another signal.

"This is the finish, the cats are gone it seems, we are ready to begin."

"This is the third corner. These are the Umbra Witches and not cats you dumbasses." The conversation escalated quickly from there.

Itsuki was so happy to see Kamiya. "Hey, I believe in you. You will win this race! You know, my best friend drives the very same car. It's modified, though. His dad installed some Class A engine or something like that. Let me tell you, the car is amazing. He never lost a single race!"

Meanwhile Bayonetta was thinking of a way to let everyone know she wasn't giving autographs. In fact, she felt like a fucking celebrity in this town.

The heated debate over radio was interrupted. "This is the start speaking. Is the road clear? Can we start the race?"

Responce came quite fast. "This is the sixth corner. We don't fucking know. Blame the seventh corner, they are fucking assholes, you know."

"This is the seventh corner speaking. Man, what is wrong with the sixth corner? Anyway, everything is clear I guess."

More trash talk was coming in and the guy with the radio shouted. "Ahh, fuck it! We are ready to begin!"

The crowd finally left Bayonetta alone and the contdown began.

"Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Go!"

[It's not necessary, but you can put Eurobeat on full volume here.]

Kamiya let go of the brake and the race began. His AE86 was clearly faster than Bayonetta's pather form. Itsuki was so happy when he saw Kamiya get ahead in the very beginning. Hideki Kamiya had some experience with racing games, so he just tried mimicking the NFS Carbon canyon races. He imagined all the drift points he got and stuff like that. It seemed to work, Bayonetta was falling behind and was about to disappear from the rear view mirror.

Meanwhile Bayonetta was having a problem. She was shocked to see the Laguna angels appear from behind a corner.

"Damn these angels! Could have they possibly come up with a better time to show up?"

The angels dragged Bayonetta into Purgatorio and Kamiya saw her disappear. "Hey, that's unfair you bit... I mean witch!"

Racing fans did not understand what was happening at all, the AE86 was speeding through corners and the fourth corner was having a problem of "some kind of poltergeist activity".

Bayonetta was trying to deal with the angels as fast as possible. "Damn, why did I have to leave the Durga at home?"

Finally, the angels were dealt with and Bayonetta was ready to execute the secret strategy she developed when practicing on Akina. "Jeanne, worry no more. I'm going to win this."

Bayonetta jumped down the mountain and landed ahead of Kamiya's car without taking fall damage. She then proceeded to jump on top of the car before exiting Purgatorio.

"Hello again, kitty."

"Bayonetta, what the actual fuck?"

"I'm just gonna let you drive me to the finish line and then I'll dash forward and win." She was so sure this was going to work she straight up told Kamiya what her plan was. Kamiya wanted Bayonetta as a PlatinumGames employee so much he quickly came up with his own plan. He floored the gas and did the inertia drift, throwing Bayonetta off the car and down the mountain. This was executed quite well. However, a car was driving in the opposite lane and there was no way Kamiya could dodge that.

"Motherfuckeeeeeer!" Screamed the man in the car.

"Enzo?" Bayonetta recognised the man's voice as she was falling down.

Kamiya's car hit Enzo's cabriolet, spun off the track and landed several corners ahead, gaining so much speed but also landing backwards, which made it hard to control.

"Shit, it's the other way around now." Said Kamiya as he looked in the rear view mirror to see where he was driving.

Only several hundred meters remained until the end of the course. Surprisingly, Bayonetta was ahead of Kamiya. His speed was great, though, so he was going to overtake her in no time.

Meanwhile Enzo was complaining. "Damn you, Bayonetta. I just got the fucking thing fixed. Look at this shit, I'm screwed! This is why I can't have nice things!"

The radio picked up the signal again. "This is the finish line. Omg, this is some serious shit we just witnessed. The Trueno is going 300 kilometers per hour backwards, it looks like it's about to overtake the Umbra Witch! Speaking of the witch, we are still trying to figure out how she appeared here, she seemed to jump off the mountain!"

Suddenly an idea came to Bayonetta's mind. She stood on the car's trajectory and dodged it the last possible moment, entering Witch Time and crossing the finish line first.

"Whoa, what the hell just happened!? The Umbra Witch won the race! I won't be able to sleep after seeing this. Holy fuck!"

Hideki's car was totally out of control now and Witch Time was about to end. Bayonetta realized what was going to happen. "Kamiyaaaaaa!" She screamed as the car hit her and sent her far away, over the horizon.


	3. Twitch Streamer Bayonetta

**Act II: Twitch Streamer Bayonetta**

* * *

Vladimir was sitting at home and streaming a _Bayonetta_ speedrun. Jeanne's RNG was bad again so he was 30 seconds behind his splits now. Suddenly something crashed through the window and hit a wall, leaving a crack. This was completely unexpected and Vladimir was scared shitless. Vladimir came to investigate and found Bayonetta lying on the floor unconscious (or so he thought).

Suddenly she opened her eyes and stood up.

"Wow, that was an experience. I swear, dodging shit before Isla Del Sol will never seem as intense anymore."

"Ehhmm, what is going on?"

"Wait, what are you playing?" Bayonetta saw the PC.

"Ahh, it's _Bayonetta_ for PC. Could you please explain whaa-"

Bayonetta rushed to the PC and started clearing the game at the speed of light.

"Hey, Bayonetta. I'm actually speedrunning the game right now, do you know how to split time?" Vladimir asked and Bayonetta nodded.

The Twitch chat went wild. The stream already had over 10k viewers and donations were coming in every minute. Bayonetta saw the possibility to cash in and quickly changed the wallet number to her own before Vladimir could notice. By the end of Chapter 4 she was already two minutes ahead of Vladimir's personal best despite the time loss in the beginning.

"How did you save so much time?" The streamer wondered.

"Well, I just experienced it all myself, you know. So it's quite easy to speedrun the game."

Of course, Bayonetta knew how to go fast in _Bayonetta_. She was Bayonetta, after all. An hour later she reached Chapter XIV.

"Listen, there's a skip coming up and I need your help!" Bayonetta was really concentrated on the game now.

"Wh.. What skip!?"

"Just help me enter Witch Time."

"You can use the accessory. Did you get it?"

"Not in game. In real life, stupid!"

Vladimir threw a basketball at Bayonetta. She dodged, entered Witch Time and proceeded to execute miltiple frame-perfect inputs and skip the boring missile flight that took ten minutes otherwise.

"Holy shit? What did you just do?"

"Come now, do you honestly think I liked the idea of flying some missile for ten minutes straight? Boring as hell!" Bayonetta explained.

The final time was so amazing Vladimir decided he will run _Bayonetta 2_ from now on because there was no way he was going to beat Bayonetta's time. It was faster than the WR by more than 20 minutes, after all.

"Alright, it was nice to meet you, Vladimir. Thanks for the evening! Uh, sorry for the window and the wall and stuff. Also, I hope you don't mind me taking all the donation money. Bye bye!" Said Bayonetta and ran off, escaping through the same window that she entered through.

Bayonetta went home and soon she was at her apartment that she shared with Jeanne.

"Hello Jeanne, I've got good news! I've found us money for the car! About $12000, to be more precise."

"What? Where did you get so much money?"

"I just tried streaming on Twitch. Who would have thought it could be so profitable?"

"Holy shit! What were you doing on that stream to get so much money?"

"It does not matter, Jeanne. Let's go get ourselves a car."

The witches wanted a car that could be infused with magical power. In the whole town they've found only two cars that could provide that: a BMW M3 E34 that belonged to some Lumen Sage that liked to time travel and a Lada 2105, which belonged to the witch that made Sergey's Lover. Of course, people selling the cars knew nothing about the previous owners so they offered quite low prices.

"How come we have found two cars that can be infused with magic in this small town? There are like only fifty total in the world."

"I don't know, Jeanne. I know one thing, though. We would have been so screwed if we only found the Lada. That Russian witch must have been a gopnik or something."

Of couse, the BMW was the way to go. Lada was blasting Cheeki Breeki non-stop when the engine was running and the witches had no idea how to get rid of the spell. Rodin could have probably removed the spell but the witches did not want to spend any halos because Jeanne developed a sexual fetish related to them.

The witches bought the car and went to Akina to drift. It was great to finally be able to drift, but Jeanne felt something was missing.

"It's not quite the way I remember it from _Initial D_ "

Of course something was different, Bayonetta's mixtape was playing. Despite _Tomorrow Is Mine_ and _Mysterious Destiny_ being awesome tracks, they just didn't offer the same energy that allowed the driver to drift really close to the safety rail.

"Hey, Bayonetta, turn that shit off! We must change our music in order to become real street racers."

Bayonetta ejected the cassette and realized it was the only one they had. "So what cassette should we use instead? We only have this one."

"Shit! We must find a Eurobeat mix somewhere."

Suddenly, Rodin appeared from a portal.

"Just in-time to strike myself some halos! Look what I've got here! It's on sale, too!" He had a box-set titled _Initial D Soundtrack_

Jeanne didn't know what to do. They had no halos left for the reasons already known to the reader.

"Hey, Rodin, can we buy this thing for cash? It's not like that's an ancient Umbran Technique or it's affiliated with magic of any kind."

"If it does not seems infused with magic to you it does not mean it is not. This thing will make you clear corners at least 50% faster."

Thoughts were racing through Bayonetta's head but she could not come up with anything.

"How much is it, Rodin?"

"It's only 99999 halos! Come on, I know you witches need this thing, it's a one-of-a-kind."

Unfortunately, Bayonetta had only several thousand halos she somehow managed to hide from Jeanne.

"We don't have enough halos, Rodin."

"Well, sorry. I can use this thing myself, after all. I will dominate the Gumma zone and become a legend. You'll never beat me. Actually, let's race next friday. If you win I'll give you the infused box-set. If you lose... Well, you witches will have have to work in the Gates of Hell as janitors for eternity. I'll also make you pay me all the halos you ever get."

Jeanne got triggered by this. "No way we're gonna accept this!"

Bayonetta and Jeanne were already thinking about leaving the street racing scene until a car suddenly appeared from behing a corner and approached them. It was an eight-five.

"Come on, anytime but now. Fuck, we're screwed." Bayonetta thought as Itsuki got out of his car.

Next day everyone knew about the upcoming race.


	4. Learning To Witch Drive in a BMW

**Act III: Learning to Witch Drive in a BMW**

* * *

Bayonetta and Jeanne sat in their apartment, thinking about the upcoming race.

"We cannot lose this, Cereza. You know I can't live without them halos."

"I know, Jeanne. Actually, I have an idea how we can win this race. We will adapt our Witch Walk technique and use it in our new car."

"What? Do you know how much magic power that will consume? We don't have nearly enough power to just drive down Akina in a straight line. It's impossible."

"You know, I have an idea. I will stuff the whole interior with purple lollipops and we will also trigger Rodin so we get more magic."

"That's genious, Cereza!"

However, magic power wasn't the only problem the witches had to face. They only recently bought the BMW so they weren't sure it would Witch Drive properly at all. The witches decided to try this technique and see how it works out. As they were driving to Akina, Bayonetta started a conversation.

"By the way, Jeanne, I haven't told you yet. *Bayonetta 3* is announced and you're the star now."

"What? Really?"

"Such were the conditions of my race with Kamiya."

"What time period is it in?"

"Well, it tells the story of your life during these 500 years of me being asleep. I though fans should know."

"Fuck you, Cereza." Jeanne was pissed off.

"Oh, it's not so bad. I think it'll be the best *Bayonetta* yet."

"Not funny."

Enzo was enjoying his drinks at Rodin's and thinking. "You know what, life's not that bad. Ever since Bayonetta stopped seeking every opportunity to get herself into an adventure I've really been enjoying my time. I don't get wrapped up in nearly as much shit because of her anymore. I mean, the Akina accident was a pain in the ass but at least the trial with that Kamiya dude was fast. I even profited from that."

Suddenly, Rodin stopped his thoughts. "Hey Enzo. I've got a plan and I really need your help."

"What? No, no, no, I don't wanna get wrapped up in any shit anymore."

"I'll need your car."

"What? No way!"

"You know, if you agree I'll serve you drinks for free forever."

"Uh? What do you want exactly?"

"We're going to win some street races, that's all. Our first targets are Bayonetta and Jeanne."

"Bayonetta!? You know, we're not friends with her anymore. I'm tired of her shit!"

"Don't lie to me, I know how things are. You know, if we win the race she'll never bother you again."

"I'm in!"

Bayonetta and Jeanne were successful at doing the Witch Drive. In fact, it was easier to pull off than expected. The only problem was getting over the safety rails. Ramming them required magic so the car won't get damaged and the other technique of getting over them was slow and quite tricky to execute.

"We should destroy all the safety rails before the race!" Jeanne proclaimed.

Doing so took some time but it did not stop the witches. No one would want to turn from a witch into Rodin's bitch.

After dealing with the safety rails Witch Driving around became easy.

"How can Rodin possibly win if we're going 500kmh in a straight line?" Bayonetta wondered.

The witches' record time was around twenty seconds to get to the finish line from the top of the mountain.

The witches drove back home and spent the two remaining days getting purple lollipops.


	5. Unexpected Shit

**Act IV: Unexpected Shit**

* * *

It was friday and the witches were driving to Akina. They wanted to arrive early this time to make sure their plan was going to work. However, as they approached the mountain they discovered the road was closed.

"Stop! The road is closed for repairs due to the safety rails being damaged! We are sorry for any inconvenience." Said the repairs worker.

Bayonetta and Jeanne parked the car and taught the workers not to fuck with witches. There were quite a lot of workers so it took quite some time to beat their asses and undo their repairs.

"The preparations for this race took too long, Jeanne. Now let's win this and get our Eurobit mixtape!" Said Bayonetta after problems were dealt with. They were casually walking down the mountain back to their car as it was already dark and they wanted to impress the people who gathered by now.

Enzo was already at the starting line when the witches arrived.

"Hello, Enzo. It was quite a long time ago when we last spoke. Where's Rodin?" Bayonetta asked.

"I don't know and I would not have told you nothing if I knew! I'm just following instructions."

Bayonetta walked back to their car.

"So where's Rodin?" Jeanne wondered.

"Well, knowing him he will probably appear from a portal the last moment. I think he's going to drive Enzo's car."

"I wonder what Rodin offered him for such a privilege?"

"He probably offered him free drinks or something."

Time went by, it was almost time to race and Bayonetta was looking into the obsidian sky.

Suddenly it struck her. "Jeanne, our plan's not gonna work. Fuck!"

"Cereza, what's going on?"

"Look, it's cloudy!"

"Ah shit! What are we gonna do?"

"We can only hope the moon will be visible."

Ryosuke approached their car. "Hello. I'm Takahashi Ryosuke from Akagi Red Suns, a local team here in Gumma. You know, since you witches got yourselves a car I figured you would want to challenge some of the local racers too. Here's my number, you can call me if you need anything."

"Thanks for the offer, Ryosuke. It's about time we started challenging actual street racers." Bayonetta replied.

"So who are you racing today? No one really knows much about the race."

"Well, we're racing Rodin."

"That's cool! Are you ready?"

"Ahh, yes, but it seems like our plan isn't going to work. I'm not sure if we'll win."

"That's unfortunate! What's at stake now?"

"If we win we'll get a Eurobeat mixtape. If we lose... Well, we're screwed."

"Hmmm. It seems like the stakes are high. Whatever you do, don't get nervous! Oh by the way, it's great that you won the race with Kamiya. I'm so hyped about _Bayonetta 3_. Do you know anything about the game?"

"Yeah, it's gonna be great!" Bayonetta said as Jeanne sighed.

Their conversation was suddenly ended as Rodin appeared from the portal.

"Let's see what you witches got!"

The radio went alive. "This is the starting line. Is everything ready?"

"This is the first corner, everything is fine, we're ready."

"This is the second corner. Everything is fine except... Hey, weren't there safety rails on Akina before?"

They were interrupted by another transmission. "This is the finish line! Fuck, we've got cops here! Cancel the race!"

Rodin didn't like the idea of cancelling the race. "Hey, who cares? Let's go!"

"We don't wanna risk going to jail!" Said the man with the radio.

"Ahh, fuck you guys. Enzo, let the countdown begin!"

"Ehhm. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Go!"

Rodin floored the gas and Enzo started screaming and swearing.

Despite Enzo's car being a hunk of shit, the Eurobeat playlist allowed Rodin to drift way faster than the witches could ever imagine. The witches were able to keep up with him for a couple of corners, but they were slowly falling behind.

"Damn, he's far ahead of us. What do we do?" Bayonetta was getting nervous. "We still cannot Witch Drive!"

The witches were falling behind with each corner and soon they could not see Rodin at all.

Jeanne lost any hope. "Who would have thought our free lives would end because of some damn clouds?!"

They were close to the middle of the course already when suddenly a fighter jet flew by.

"A jet? Here?" Bayonetta was surprised. "Great, I guess the military got involved too."

Suddenly, the clouds started to go away and the moon became visible.

"What? The jet chased the clouds away! Floor it, Cereza!" Jeanne screamed in excitement.

Bayonetta took a sharp turn and the witches began their rapid descent off the mountain. Each second Jeanne had to stuff more and more purple lollipops into Bayonetta's mouth so she would not run out of magic. Suddenly, after skipping another turn a car appeared right in front of the witches.

"Shit, Rodin!" Bayonetta screamed.

The witches' BMW rammed Rodin's car and Bayonetta ran out of magic.

"Damn, Bayonetta, chill the fuck down." Rodin screamed as he lost control. Enzo's car was trashed and began to spin out but Enzo himself did not give a shit anymore as he passed out on the second turn.

"I can't Witch Drive! Jeanne, brace!" Bayonetta shouted in panic.

"Cereza-a-a-a!"

The witches' BMW flew through the air.

"We're gonna die if we don't bail out of the car!"

"We will lose the race then! We can't bail!"

Suddenly, they landed on something. It was the jet.

"Hello, Bayonetta. It's been a long time since we last met, huh?"

Bayonetta instantly recognized the voice. "Luka?"

The jet was clearly going out of control now and Bayonetta drove off of it, landing straight at the finish line. She looked back to see the jet crashing into the nearby forest, starting a fire.

"The witches won!" Screamed the crowd.

Suddenly, multiple police cars arrived at the scene.

"Shit, it's the reinforcements! Run!" A man screamed and everybody got into their cars.

Jeanne was scared shitless. "This was the experience of my life, Cereza."


	6. NFS MW Final Pursuit (1080p 60fps)

**Act V:** **NFS Most Wanted Final Pursuit (1080p 60fps)**

* * *

It seemed the whole police department was after the witches. The Corvettes, SUV and other vehicles were all there. They formed roadblocks all over the city and tried ramming the witches' car. The situation was quite hard so Jeanne got on the roof and started executing Wicked Weaves to destroy police cars while Bayonetta was flooring the gas to try and outrun the police. Suddenly, Rodin appeared on the backseat.

"Congrats on winning, Bayonetta! You witches played dirty but I'm not going to argue. My primary goal is making business, after all. Here's the soundtrack, you'll need it. By the way, Enzo's in the hospital but don't worry about him, he'll be fine." He said and vanished.

A bizzare idea came to Bayonetta's mind.

"Jeanne, get back into the damn car, I'm planning on breaking the speed of sound!" Bayonetta shouted.

Jeanne slowly made her way back into the interior and Bayonetta inserted the tape. _Space Boy_ started to play and the car started accelerating again even though Bayonetta was already going over 250 kilometers per hour. The witches approached a bridge.

"Cereza, you sure you wanna do this?" Jeanne got scared.

"Hell yeah! Here we go-o-o-O-O!"

The car took off the ground and flew over the whole city, crashing into a paint shop. After a minute of silence, a man came out of the office.

"Hello, how can I help you?" The frightened paint shop employee greeted the witches.

"Hey, can you please paint our car to make the cops fuck off finally?" Bayonetta asked.

"Of course, what color do you want?"

The witches screamed at the same time:

"Purple!"

"Platinum!"

Most problems can be solved by diplomacy but when it comes to witches arguing there is only one way out of the situation. So the witches decided to fight over the color, smashing everything in the whole paint shop in the process. Jeanne was being annoying as she dodged Bayonetta's attacks and Bayonetta was being annoying as she dodged Jeanne's attacks. All paint shop employees bailed it as soon as the fight began as it was quite clear it would take a while and no one wanted to become a hostage in this encounter.

Meanwhile Luka was sitting on top of a tree that somehow still did not catch fire. Most of the animals inhabiting the place were scared by the fire while some were frustrated about the destruction of their habitat to such a level that they united for sweet revenge.

"Shit, seems the whole forest's population is here."

Wolves wanted to bite Luka's ass, they growled as they tried reaching him by jumping higher. The bears were more successful, though. Several of them were climbing the tree and Luka accepted the fact that he was going to get eaten very soon. Suddenly, after a loud crack the tree started to fall and it hit one of the wolves' head as it reached the ground. Luka landed on that wolf's back and the poor animal started running out of fear. It was a sick chase, Luka held on tight onto the wolf as he ran through to burning forest. The wolf ran really fast and soon they outran other animals.

"Oh my god, I'm saved!"

After continuing running for quite a long time, the wolf took Luka to town. All ordinary people were frightened by this sight as they though they witnessed a shaman from _Warcraft_. However, it was quite soon that the wolf realized what was going on and threw Luka off his back.

"Ah shit! Help!" Luka screamed as he tried to fight the wolf.

Of course, nobody was there to help him because the townsfolk passing by were more concerned about not getting their own asses eaten by the wolf. He was really lucky to be near the very same paint shop where the witches were fighting over the color of their car.

Speaking of the witches, they fought each other for about ten minutes before realizing there was no need to paint the car anymore as the police got bored and abandoned the chase. They got back into the car and exited the paint shop. Bayonetta was quite shocked to see Luka fighting a wolf just outside the shop and hurried to help, sending the wolf flying back in the forest's direction.

"Oh my god, Bayonetta, thank you for helping out. I though I was going to get eaten here!"

"Ah, it's nothing after what you've done tonight." Luka looked confused, he did not understand what Bayonetta meant. "Hey, you do realize you saved our asses tonight, do you?"

"Ehhm, no. How did I do it?"

"Well, we were about to become Rodin's slaves but you showed up and chased the clouds away, that helped us win the race. Unfortunately, we are so dependant on the moon being visible. Oh, yes, you also saved us from falling down the mountain in our car." Bayonetta's voice was giving out the fact that she was flirting more and more with her every word.

"Ahh, I see. Well, I wasn't there to save the day, you know. I was just filming a documentary about Umba Witches and what they do for entertainment. You know, my first documentary raised over a million dollars! Do you want to check it o...?"

Bayonetta interrupted him.

"Listen, Luka. I am so, so grateful for you being there to help us. You think I can reward you somehow?"

"No, it's fine. I'm.."

Bayonetta came closer and continued. "No, I mean it, you really do deserve something."

"Wh.. What?"

"Remember I once told you my interest in making children was a whole other story?"

"You know, I'm not sure..."

"Come on, Cheshire. There's no need to be shy, absolutely no need..."

Luka passed out and fell into the witch's hands.

Bayonetta turned back to her Umbran sister. "I'm sorry, Jeanne, the apartment is off limits tonight."

Jeanne sighed in annoyance and drove off.

"Let's go, Cheshire. I'll make sure you get what you deserve." Carrying Luka, Bayonetta flew on her wings back to the apartment.


	7. Jeanne Gets Drunk

**Act VI: Jeanne Gets Drunk**

* * *

Two hours after the race Takahashi brothers were already at home.

"Brother, may I enter?" Keisuke asked as he knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"What are you working on?"

"I'm working on a strategy. You know, Keisuke, I've been thinking. Do you mind racing the Umbra Witches? Their driving skills are quite good and I think it's a good opportunity to learn new tricks. Don't worry, I won't announce the race to the public."

"What? There is no way I'll win! From what I've seen they are utilizing a lot of techniques that are off limits to us."

"Yes, of course, but I've developed a strategy for you. I also wrote some rules to restrict their powers. They won't be able to cut the track like that anymore. I think they will agree that it's fair."

"Okay, I trust you, Ryosuke. I'll race them."

"Let me call them and arrange a race."

Ryosuke tried calling the witches several times but no one picked up the phone. He also tried calling Bayonetta's cell phone but he did not get an answer there either.

"Huh, they are probably busy kicking some angels' asses back there." Ryosuke concluded.

Keisuke turned the TV on. "Breaking news! The residents of the nearby town of Akina were shocked today as a violent street race took place on the mountain route in the suburban part of the town. Residents of the area claim they saw a car driving straight down the mountain and then landing on a fighter jet, sending the jet crashing into the nearby forest. The massive fire caused by this crash is still being extinguished as we speak. The police got involved, but the street racers got away. Information is coming in that all the staff of the police department claim they were shocked to see the car suddenly disappear after using a bridge as a ramp to perform a jump at an immense speed. We are still looking into the details as of now, stay tuned to know more."

Keisuke muted the TV. "Brother, I'm off to Akagi. I may as well go get some practice."

"Hold on, I'll go with you. I want to show you the strategy I've developed."

Jeanne was pissed about the fact that she had to sleep in the car. She tried, but just could not fall asleep.

"How do people sleep in their cars? It's impossible!" She though.

Now usually Jeanne didn't like the idea of getting drunk but after trying to fall asleep for an entire hour she got so bored she went to the nearby bar to drink some cocktails.

After a few of those coctails, she was talking to the barman about Paradiso and the Laguna Angels. She also mentioned Witch Hints and the fact that she was about 500 years old.

"You seem to enjoy other stuff besides alcohol." He noted.

Jeanne didn't like the fact that the barman didn't believe her stories and decided to leave and check out some more popular mountain courses instead.

"Maybe I'll find some actual street racers! I mean, who cared about Rodin losing? We need to build up reputation."

Driving to Akagi took some time as several police officers stopped her on the way. She avoided getting arrested by escaping to Purgatorio every time she was stopped.

Going uphill she noticed how Akagi was far more difficult than Akina, or so she though. She reached the top of the mountain after literally bumping into each and every corner.

The brothers were standing at the beginning of the course, discussing something when Keisuke noticed the approaching car.

"Hey, look, it's the witches' BMW!" He said.

"What? What are they doing here?" Both brothers watched closely as Jeanne parked and got out of the car.

Jeanne recognised them. "Ahh, I saw you guys earlier! You are the street racers, right? The Akagi Red Suns, haha."

"That's Jeanne! She seems drunk." Ryosuke noted.

"You know, I've heard you race on your opponent's home course only!? Then there is no way you're going to race us... I mean, we used to have Route 666 in Vigrid but recently Bayonetta ruined all the fun by completely destroying it. She is such a bitch sometimes, isn't she? I meant bitch by the way, not witch. Wait, what did I just say? Bitch or witch?"

Ryosuke and Keisuke stood speechless.

"Ah, whatever! Who cares? You can be a witch and a bitch at the same time." Jeanne continued.

"Where's Bayonetta? We have to get Jeanne home." Ryosuke spoke quietly so only his brother could hear.

Jeanne heard that. "Bayonetta? Ah, screw her. She left me to sleep in this damn car. Do you guys sleep in cars? Damn, you must possess some special talent to be able to do that."

"Let's drive her home ourselves. You should call Bayonetta, maybe she has returned." Keisuke suggested.

"Bayonetta is having fun as we speak. Shit, I am so jealous. Except I'm not! Maybe a little bit, you know."

"Maybe we should not bother Bayonetta, brother." Ryosuke noted. "Jeanne, you should really get some sleep."

"Fuck the sleep! The night had just begun!"

"Let's take her to our place, who knows what she'll get herself into if we leave her here. Let's grab her and sit her in my car." Keisuke suggested.

"Too dangerous. She's an Umbra Witch, she will resist and probably kill us if we try to force her into the car." Ryosuke replied.

"What shall we do then?"

"I think it's time to practice what I've taught you, Keisuke."

"What?" Keisuke said with confusion.

"Jeanne, get over here. Keisuke wants to show you our drifting technique!" Ryosuke shouted to the witch.

"Brother, why? I though we were going to use it against the witches." Keisuke whispered.

"Don't worry, she's too drunk to remember anything. Now listen, you will follow me, but beware, we're going to have to increase our tempo quite a bit. If you go fast enough, she'll pass out and we will safely get her to a bed at our place." Ryosuke explained in a whisper.

Keisuke initially wanted Jeanne to ride in the back but she wanted to sit in the front and the brothers did not want to argue with her.

[Eurobeat intensifies]

The downhill practice race began. Jeanne was calm at first, but Keisuke's speed when entering corners was way faster than anything Jeanne had ever seen before so she was getting nervous when they started passing them.

"Listen, you street racers are better than I expected! I don't know why you don't use Witch Drive though. Ah, wait, right. Shit, I'm sorry!"

The first sharp turn was coming up and Keisuke wasn't planning on braking at all.

"Aaaah, brake!" The witch screamed as Keisuke was approaching the corner. The car entered a speedy powerslide and Keisuke passed the corner without any problems.

"Shit, that was close. You know, your driving is not as scary as Bayonetta's but man you sure do know how to get some thrills going."

For several corners Jeanne managed to stay relatively calm but a few sharp turns were coming up and Keisuke still wasn't slowing down.

"Wait, hold on. I don't feel that well." Said Jeanne.

Keisuke entered the first of the sharp corners and the high g-force made the witch vomit. Keisuke did not expect that to happen.

"Fuck, Jeanne just vomited all over the car!" He shouted to Ryosuke over the radio.

"Damn it! Just don't slow down, we're close!" Came the response.

"What? What are you trying to do? Hey, are you trying to kidnap me? Stop the car!" Jeanne started to panic.

"We just want to finish the race, Jeanne. No need to panic."

"Nevertheless... Stop the car... Please... Ahh shit, this ain't good." Said Jeanne and passed out.

"We did it, brother! Let's drive home now!" Keisuke screamed over the radio.

"You were quite good at executing the technique, Keisuke. You're ready."

The brothers lay Jeanne in bed and then returned for her car.


	8. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

**Act VII:** **Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing**

* * *

"Is this the one?"

"Yes."

"What's so special about it? To be honest, I still don't undestand how you're planning to race in it."

"You'll see. I just need to finish setting something up."

Shingo was showing off his new truck to another Night Kids member.

"Well, I think it's ready. Let's try it out." He said finally after the setup was done.

The engine sound was very agressive and quite odd for a truck.

"Wait, Shingo. Did you just install a turbine on a fucking truck?"

"Get in, I'll show you."

They sat in the truck and drove out of the garage. Shingo hit the highway and stepped on the gas.

"Holy shit! Don't you think it's too fast for such a heavy truck?"

"No, not at all. We're not using the engine to it's full potential yet."

"What?"

"Oh, by the way, I've also installed nitrous on it."

"That's just overkill!"

"No, it's not. Still not enough for the race."

"What race? What are you trying to do?"

"There's some new street racers in Gumma and it seems they are using magic to win races. The Umbra Witches. They need to be stopped as soon as possible, before they win any races against the locals. I have a plan."

"The Umbra Witches? I though they were just having fun and putting on shows. Are they street racers for real? Woah."

"They are, and I have a plan against them. We're looking for a CD. A videogame. The legend says it gives trucks abilities similiar to those that the witches possess if you insert the CD."

"Shingo, this makes no sense. Did you just literally waste so much money... for this?"

"Shut up, you'll see it's not for nothing."

Jeanne woke up. She had a terrible headache.

"Where am I? What happened?"

She got out of bed, opened the door and saw the Takahashi brothers in the room.

"Eehm. I'm sorry?" Jeanne said in a sleepy voice.

Keisuke went to explain to Jeanne what happened.

"Shit! All I remember was trying to fall asleep in the car. Then I went somewhere." She explained.

"Well, we saw you on Akagi. You were a mess."

"Oh no. I've been drinking? This must have ended terribly. Please don't tell me I did something stupid."

"Well, you vomited all over my car. It's all cleaned now though."

"Oh my god, sorry. I am so sorry. Shit, that's what I've meant!"

"You also arrived to Akagi in your car, we returned for it later and parked it nearby. Sorry, we had to take your keys. We were worried about it being stolen potentially."

"You also.. returned for the car? Thank you so, so much!" She was clearly very sleepy.

"We've called Bayonetta and she'll get here soon. I advise you sleep until then."

"Cereza? Oh, I thank you so much! I am in debt." She said and crashed back on the bed.

"You know, she's not as bad when she's not drunk or with her sister." Keisuke noted.

Mike and James were filming another AVGN episode.

"He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard,

He's the angry Nintendo nerd,

He's the angry Atari, Sega nerd,

He's the Angry Video Game Nee-a-a-aaahhh shit!" Kyle Justin screamed as he saw a truck approach them at a wicked speed.

The truck drifted three full circles around the filming ground, leaving a lot of smoke. When it finally stopped, Shingo got out.

"I would like to meet James Rolfe." He claimed.

"That's me." James answered.

"I've heard you had a copy of the legendary Big Rigs game. I really need that copy, James. I even have something I'll give you in return!" Shingo took out a rare Japan-exclusive Godzilla box-set from his bag.

"Holy shit! You know, take the game, I wanted to get rid of it anyway. Beware, however, I don't recommend playing it at all! You know, it fucking sucks, it's sucking fucks, yeah! I'd rather have Bayonetta kick my ass and then get fucked by Enzo rather than play it again! I mean it!"

"Don't worry, James, I won't play it."

Shingo and James exchanged and Shingo drove off.

Luka was sitting in the witches' apartament. He was watching TV when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Huh?"

He came over to the door and opened it. Behind the door stood Shingo.

"Hello, can I help you?"

"I am Shingo from the local street racing team Night Kids. We've heard the Umbra Witches wanted to race local teams, right?"

"Umm, the Umbra Witches are not here at the moment."

"Ah, right. You tell them we are waiting for them at Akina next Friday, ok?" Shingo said and started walking back to his truck.

"Wait, hold on... You should ask Bayonetta, I am not sure if she'll agree!" Luka shouted but Shingo ignored him. "Hold on! Damn, Bayonetta's going to be mad!"

Shingo got in the truck. "Time to test out the CD. You'll see that the witches have no chance of winning!" He announced to his friend. He switched to reverse and started accelerating, going in circles. The truck was gaining more and more speed and left the whole street in smoke.

"What the hell? Damn, I wish I had my camera!" Luka though.

Suddenly, the truck passed right through the apartment and vanished.

"What.. the.. fuck.. was.. that?!" Luka was scared shitless.

Meanwhile in the truck.

"SHHINGOOOO! AAAAHH, BRAKE FOR GOD'S SAKE. YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

"Hold on, I'm sure we can reach higher speeds."

"I DID NOT THINK THE CD WAS GOING TO BE THAT HARDCORE. HOW FAST ARE WE GOING!?"

Shingo looked at the custom speedometer he installed to be able to track he truck's speed. "Well, we're about to break the speed of sound."

They were passing at least twenty cars every second on the highway.

"ARE YOU SURE WE WON'T GET OFF THE GROUND AND FLY TO RUSSIA IF WE DON'T SLOW DOWN?!"

The truck slowly began to spin.

"Don't worry, we are locked to the ground. Actually, I think we have reached the maximum possible speed at which controlling the truck is possible. I am going to stop right now, so hold on tight. The forces are gonna be insane!"

"OH, THANK GOD. WAIT, WHAT!?"

Shingo unpressed the gas pedal and the truck instantly stopped dead in it's tracks. However, because of the insane speed and high g-forces Shingo didn't realize they were actually driving forwards before braking. Both street racers flew through the window and landed in a nearby lake.

"That exceeded all my expectations!" Shingo noted.

Bayonetta picked up Jeanne from the Takahashi brothers' house and the witches were driving back home.

"Jeanne, I've never seen you drunk in my entire life. What happened?"

"Ahh, nothing. Got frustrated because I could not fall asleep in the car. I don't regret it, though, I got to know Keisuke better, he's such a nice guy."

Bayonetta's cell phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Fuck, Bayonetta. I don't know how to explain."

"Cheshire? What's going on?"

"I think I just accepted a challenge from some... Night Kids?!"

"How are you going to challenge them, Cheshire?"

"Well, actually you are challenged. Listen, they drove a truck through the apartment at a speed higher than my jet could achieve... You know, back when I used to have a jet. They filled the whole street with smoke! Holy shit! I'm sorry, Bayonetta, I'm scared."

Bayonetta though of her apartment in complete havoc and got angry.

"Listen, Cheshire, I'll return soon and fly your ass to the moon."

"Really?"

"Yes, then I'll leave you there without oxygen! In other words, you're screwed!"

The witch hang up and floored the gas, hurrying back home.

When she arrived home Luka hurried to her and continued apologizing.

"Shut up, Cheshire. I want to see what's left of our fucking apartment." Bayonetta said in annoyance.

"What do you mean? It's intact!"

Bayonetta looked at their house and saw that it was, in fact, intact. She picked up Luka and flew up on her wings.

"Are you playing jokes on me? Didn't I prove enough times that fucking with witches wasn't worth it?" She screamed. They were already about thirty meters above the ground and Bayoneta wasn't stopping.

"Ahhh! Bayonetta, I swear, the fucking truck was spinning around, building up speed and then it passed right through the building. Shit, I'm not lying."

"I'm gonna let go, Cheshire."

"No! Bayonetta, please! I'm not lying! I've also heard them reference some CD. Please, I've never though of playing any jokes!"

"Hmm? Okay, let's say I'll believe you. You're going to do some research and let me know who we're racing, though. If you won't find anything you'll become the first man to fly to space without any aircraft."

"Okay, I will do anything you ask! Shit, Bayonetta, you're crazy!"

Bayonetta let go of Luka and he fell for over a hundred meters, landing in Jeanne's hands.


	9. PAYDAY 2: Walmart Heist

**Act VIII:** **PAYDAY 2: Walmart Heist**

* * *

"To do this research I'll need a laptop!" Luka claimed. "It's not like my Nokia 3310 can browse the internet!"

The witches sighed.

"What do you want us to do, then?" Bayonetta asked.

"Well, I've seen a Walmart nearby. The first one in Japan, actually. They are having an opening sale so the laptop ain't even gonna be that expensive."

"Why don't you go out any buy it, then?" Jeanne wondered.

"Ehhm, I lost my wallet yesterday in the forest. It got eaten by a wolf."

"LOL." Both witches laughed at the same time.

Meanwhile, the Walmart was about to get robbed by a gang of psycho clowns with medieval crossbows and swords.

"Okay, gang. We're in the middle of the town. Try to do this stealthy!" Bain announced. "This is the first Walmart to open in Japan so they're having a big party. They are giving out ten million dollars worth of stuff in a lottery tommorow so if you're successful to open the vault we'll score ourselves quite a lot of cash."

The PAYDAY gang entered the shop in casing mode.

"We've a camera here!" Chains whispered.

"Guard! Stay quiet!" Sydney spotted a guard.

"We should disable the cameras first, then head for the alarm!" Jacket said and started to mask up. He got into the security office, killed the guard and answered the pager.

"Okay, now find the manager with the keycard!" Bain said over radio.

Suddenly, a BMW crashed through the entrance, alarming everyone in the whole shop.

"What the fuck?!" Jacket was pissed off about the fact the gang messed everything up again.

The rest of the gang started to mask up.

"What's the meaning of this!? We're trying to do this stealthy." Clover screamed at the witches.

Jeanne started firing the All 4 One guns at the PAYDAY gang.

"Shit! I need a medic bag!" Chains screamed as he got downed.

"Cereza, deal with the civvies!" Jeanne shouted.

Bayonetta rushed to the intercom and screamed. "Everybody get down! This is a fucking robbery! Don't you dare move or I'll send your asses to Inferno and trust me, you don't wanna go there! Oh, and tell the manager to get over here!" She was intimidating as hell and everybody got down.

Jeanne got the PAYDAY gang to answer the pagers and then used her hair to tie them down along with all the civilians.

The manager rushed to Bayonetta.

"Get the fuck down!" The witch screamed.

She tied the manager and took the keycard.

"Damn, we should ask Bain to recruit these witches. They are professionals!" Sydney screamed in excitement, even though the whole gang was held hostage.

Bayonetta disarmed the alarm.

"Cheshire, get our of the car! What laptop did you want?"

Luka got out of the car and started looking through the different models that were offered. He ended up taking a laptop with an i7-7700k CPU, dual GTX 1080 GPU's, 32 GB of DDR4 RAM and a 4k IPS display.

"Holy shit, this thing costs more than our car." Bayonetta noted.

They got back into the BMW and succesfully escaped.

"Holy shit! What was that?" The whole PAYDAY crew said in one voice. They were scared to oblivion.

"I'm looking into it right now. Should take around five minutes. Continue the heist!" Bain announced.

"How? We're all tied down!" Clover said.

"Ah, fuck. Okay, I'll get the driver to arrive there and untie you." Bain forgot to disable the radio, so the crew heard was was going on backstage. "Hey, Twitch, get over there! What do you mean you can't!? The van isn't starting? Damn it! Ehm, the driver is arriving ASAP, ETA about 2 hours.*

"FUUUCK!" The whole gang screamed at the same time.

Luka was sitting at home with Bayonetta, while Jeanne went out to destroy all the safety rails once again. Luka was browsing the internet, doing his research. He was quite successful, he found out everything about Shingo and his secret weapon, the Big Rigs CD. He even played the game on his new gaming laptop and became a winner.

"Hey, Bayonetta. This truck can pass through solid objects and go infinitely fast, but only when going backwards! It also has a ram installed, so Shingo may hit your car multiple times."

"Shit, we won't be able to Witch Drive if he drains our magic by ramming us! We will need a lot of lollipops!"

"That's not everything! I also believe the truck's opponents cannot move at all when the CD is inserted. You know, the game actually makes sense once you know what it's about. You may need to use magic of some kind to move."

"Damn it."

They sat in silence for about ten minutes, then Luka started speaking again. "You know, I'm quite experienced with my hook. I'll get into the truck and get the CD out during the race."

"Are you sure you'll be able to?"

"I am 100% sure, Bayonetta."

The witches spent the several next days driving around the town, opening chests to fill the car with purple lollipops.


	10. Jeanne's Fury

**Act IX: Jeanne's Fury**

* * *

It was friday and the witches were home, playing some _Bayonetta 2_ tag climax.

"Cereza, it's time to go. Speaking the truth, I'm a bit worried about the race."

"Yeah, me too."

The witches entered the garage.

"Jeanne, I think you should drive this time?"

"What!? Why?"

"We've a plan with Luka. I'm going to communicate with him during the race. Don't worry, you'll do fine."

Jeanne wasn't as experienced as Bayonetta when it came to driving, but she could do the job fine.

"After all, if our plan works out Shingo won't finish at all." Bayonetta explained.

Soon they were driving up Akina. Jeanne noticed how a lot people gathered to see the race between "an unstoppable truck" and the Umbra Witches.

"So much people have come to see the race." She said.

"They are quite brave, I though no one would ever come here again after we nearly destroyed the place during our last race."

They reached the top of the mountain. Shingo's truck was already standing there. Keisuke approached the witches' car.

"Hey Jeanne!" He said.

Ryosuke came to the window on the other side and started talking to Bayonetta.

"Keisuke and Jeanne had quite a long conversation at our place several days ago. I think he likes her."

"Huh? Good to know."

"Anyway, I've heard the truck you're racing is equipped with a ram. I think people won't mind if you play dirty if Shingo will as well. I can't imagine him playing fair, to be honest."

"We will indeed play dirty. He's going to use a legendary artifact to win the race. I have a feeling he does not want to see us in the racing scene."

"Really? What artifact?"

"Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing."

"Oh shit! You witches got a plan?"

"Yes, but looks like it's not working out as always."

They were standing there and talking for a couple of minutes, but Luka's helicopter was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's is he? Probably playing _Bayonetta_ on his new laptop... Shit, should have took it away from him." Bayonetta thought.

"Let's start the race already, you've had enough time to get ready!" Shingo shouted. The crowd suported him.

"Shit, Luka's still not here! What do we do?" Bayonetta thought.

"I'm not gonna wait forever, we're starting the race!" Shingo said. The crowd screamed again and the "ready check" began.

"The first corner, everything's fine."

"Second corner, all clear."

"Third corner, ready for the race."

Bayonetta was getting nervous. "Damn you, Luka."

"Cereza, what do we do? We depend on your plan. Where's Luka?"

"Race as normal for now. Luka will come."

Meanwhile, the race was about to start

"The finish line speaking. We are ready, begin the countdown!"

"Okay! Five, four, three, two, one, go!"

[Eurobeat itensifies]

Jeanne floored the gas. She got to the first corner and the truck wasn't even following them.

"Strange, he's still at the start line! What's going on?"

"Jeanne, he's turning around! His truck goes much faster backwards. We must get as far as we can."

Jeanne started Witch Driving down the mountain. For some time, the truck wasn't visible but soon enough it appeared in the rear mirror.

"I think he's going to ram us!" Bayonetta shouted.

Jeanne took a sharp turn to drive on the road instead of driving straight down the mountain to try and dodge the truck. Shingo copied Jeanne's trajectory and almost rammed their car. Suddenly, the witches' car disappeared from Shingo's point of view.

"This is L.U.K.A speaking! I see the race has already began!" Luka said over the radio as he picked up the witches' car with a magnet.

"Holy shit, Luka, you're right on time." Jeanne screamed.

"Bayonetta, get in the helicopter! I'm gonna try and slow him down now!" Luka said.

Bayonetta climbed out of the car and entered the helicopter. She quickly adapted to the controls even though she never piloted a vehicle of this type before.

"Bayo, get closer to the truck!" Luka shouted as he prepared to jump.

The witch flew closer to Shingo's truck. It wasn't that hard because Shingo lost a lot of speed trying to ram the witches. Luka jumped off the helicopter, attached his hook to the witches' car and used it to fly straight into the truck's interior.

"What? Who are you?" Shingo screamed.

"L.U.K.A! I'm here to save the day! I saw how you tried to ram the witches, you clearly wanted to kill them! I can't allow that!"

Shingo started punching Luka and trying to get him out of the truck. By this moment, they were already going over 400 km/h.

"Cereza, looks like they are close to the finish line. What if we're going to lose?"

"Shit, Jeanne, you're right! I hope Luka does something."

The truck reached the last place where the straight line down the mountain intersected with the track. It was Luka's last chance.

"Fuck you, Shingo!" Screamed Luka as he pushed the eject button.

The truck wasn't stuck to the ground anymore, it hit the track, left a bump in the asphalt, spun out and used the mountain as a ramp to fly far away and over the horizon.

"The truck flew away! Shit, Luka is still in it!" Bayonetta shouted.

"Hopefully, he brought a parachute."

Luka indeed did bring a parachute, he jumped out of the window and succesfully landed, while the truck proceeded to fly out into the stratosphere, in the direction of Europe.

Bayonetta piloted the helicopter to the finish line, let go of the car and landed nearby.

"We should straight up use a jet next time." Said Jeanne.

The Takahashi brothers appeared in the driveway and approached the witches. Keisuke came up to Jeanne.

"Jeanne, are you okay? I've seen Shingo trying to ram you, what a prick! I will probably fight him if I see him again!"

Ryosuke was discussing with Bayonetta a possible race between them and Keisuke on Akagi. Suddenly, Bayonetta's cell phone rang. The friends went silent to listen to it.

"Hello, it's Luka!"

"Hey Luka! Did you land safely?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure where I am though."

"Hmm."

"Hold on, there's a road sign. Wait, I think I am in North Korea."

"LOL."

The call was then interrupted.

"Where's Luka?" Jeanne asked.

"Well, I think we'll probably never see him again." Bayonetta sighed.

"Unfortunate, he was a nice guy."

"At least we get to keep his things."

"Haha! Nice thinking, Cereza, nice thinking."

They stared talking and laughing again.


	11. Euro Truck Simulator

**Act X: Euro Truck Simulator**

* * *

Shingo's truck burned as it entered the atmosphere layer again. It took some time, but eventually it reached the ground. The truck landed on a giant inflatable castle, bounced off of it and finally stopped near a trailer at a warehouse.

"So that's the fastest delivery driver in Europe?" The cargo manager wondered. He came near the truck. "Such a paint job, wow."

He knocked on the truck's window. "Hey, stop sleeping on the job. You're the fastest driver we were promised, right?"

Shingo woke up. "Shit, what happened?" He said out loud.

"Wait, why does he speak a different language?" The manager wondered.

"Hey, can you please explain to me where I am?" Shingo asked.

"Hey, do you speak Italian? English?" The manager asked.

"Wait, am I in a different country?" Shingo said in English.

"Yes. Wake up, dammit! You're the fastest driver we were promised. We will go bankrupt if you don't do this delivery, for fuck's sake!"

"Wait, how much are you paying again?"

"15 thousand Euros, isn't that enough for you?"

Shingo realized he had no money on himself.

"Right, okay. I'll do the delivery."

When he was given the contract he realized he landed in Verona, Italy. His destination was Poznan, Poland. It was a long drive indeed. The delivery company would not give him money in advance so he had to do the delivery without eating at all.

"At least I got a job." He though.

Shingo attached the trailer, inserted the Big Rigs CD and headed towards Poland.

The real "fastest driver" was quite surprised when he arrived at the warehouse three hours later to realize the cargo was already being delivered.

Keisuke was driving with Jeanne to a good restaurant he knew.

"You know, Jeanne. I don't think you can keep on winning races using your magical powers. People won't accept you as a winner if you use magic against more serious racers." Keisuke said.

"Well, we'll see what we can do. I don't think we can quite compete without using magic."

"At least try not to leave the route. You know, Ryosuke suggested me to race with you. He wrote some rules we both must follow, so the race will be fair. I would really like to race you. Maybe you'll like the more serious type of street races. You know, you witches are more recognised as the ones who only put out shows once in a while. No serious team want to race with you."

"Huh. Ain't NightKids serious?"

"Nah, I don't think so. At least Shingo wasn't."

"Wait, so no one wants to race us anymore?"

"Nope."

"Okay, I guess we should really learn to rely on our driving skills."

"Ehm.. Jeanne, I can teach you how to race on mountain roads."

"Really? That's great!"

Meanwhile, Shingo was already crossing Germany. He was getting dizzy because of the high speeds, but he was not stopping as he wanted to eat so much and he hurried to fulfill his contract.

"If only I had money, I would just stop to eat!" He thought.

Suddenly, the truck stopped by itself in the middle of some small country road.

"What!?" Shingo screamed.

The engine wasn't running. Shingo tried to start it but it would not.

"Fuck! Start, start already!" Shingo screamed as he tried starting the engine again and again.

A police car approached him.

"Hello! Something wrong with your vehicle?" The police officer asked. "Sir, you're standing in the opposite line. What happened?"

"Uhmmm."

"Can I have your driver's license?"

Jeanne was drinking wine with Keisuke.

"Hey, Jeanne, I've wanted to tell you something for some time already."

"Uhm?"

"You know... I'm just. I kind of.. Like you. I like you very much, actually."

Jeanne looked at Keisuke. "Fuck, that's far too much!" She thought. "What do I say?"

"Yes, I understand. I think I like you too, Keisuke. You're really kind."

"I just want you to know that I would like to be with you, you know. I feel like you're my kind of person."

"Ahhh. You know, as Umbra Witches we don't usually have partners. There was one example of an alliance between an Umbra Witch and a Lumen Sage, but it basically destroyed both clans and led to the Witch Hunts."

"A Lumen Sage?"

"Yeah, I can understand that, though. Lumen Sages are hot as fuck."

Shingo was delivered to the local police department.

"So how did you enter the European Union? You've no proof of crossing the border!"

"Come on, I've explained enough times already. I flew through space. It's not like there's a border in space. I just crash landed in Italy. Am I to blame?"

"You're saying you crash landed in the EU, but you can't even explain how you went into space in the first place."

"Ehh. I just inserted a CD that sent me to space."

"What?"

"Come on, I'm not fucking lying!"

"Watch your language! Crash landing in Europe also did not stop you from signing a contract with an European company. How would you explain all that?"

"I had no money when I landed and they offered me a job. I need to eat as all of you do!"

The officer interviewing Shingo turned to a guard. "Send his ass to prison, I'm not spending any nore time listening to his lies. He's clearly an illegal immigrant."

"Wait, what?!"

Shingo was taken away and sent to prison.


	12. Bayonetta Gives Presents

**Act XI:** **Bayonetta Gives Presents**

* * *

Bayonetta was in her apartment alone. She was looking through Luka's stuff.

"Wait, are these photos of me? Oh, Luka, you're so naughty. I bet you don't like the idea that you lost those."

After sorting out things from his bags, she started looking for other things he left.

Luka's things were scattered all through the apartment so it took Bayonetta quite a long time to gather them all. After looking through all the stuff the witch realised most of it was useless to her.

"Hmm, I have an idea. Instead of throwing all these things away I'll gift them to my friends. They'll be happy to have this stuff." She thought.

First of all she visited Enzo, who was lying in bed in the hospital.

"Damn you, Bayonetta. My fucking car is trashed again. This time I can't ever repair it, it's cheaper to buy a new one! What a joke, should have fled right when Rodin mentioned your name."

"Oh, don't worry so much about it, there are plenty more important things to care about."

"Yeah, like the fact that you almost killed me! I don't even wanna speak to you, Bayonetta. I'm tired of your shit. Every time you're around, some shit happens. Be it your friends from Paradiso appearing or some clouds appearing out of nowhere, I don't fucking care anymore. I'm not even comfortable when you're around, you got that?!"

"Are you sure, my dear? Cause I've got a special gift just for you. You know, I thought you've had enough problems with that car, so.."

"YOU GOT ME A NEW CAR!?"

"You got the words right outta my.."

"You're not joking, right?"

"It's right there." Bayonetta pointed to Luka's car standing in the hospital parking lot.

"Oh shit, it's the model that I've always wanted! Forget about all this shit I've told you!"

"Don't worry, it's understood. Enjoy your new car!" Bayonetta threw Enzo the keys and walked away.

"Shit, Bayonetta, you're welcome anytime, fuggetaboutit!?"

Then Bayonetta visited someone who helped her find the money for the BMW.

"What? Who's there?" Vladimir shouted as he heard the knock on the door.

"It's Bayonetta."

"Hey, hold on, I'm speedrunning right now. I'll open the door as soon as I get to that cutscene..."

"Hey, Vladimir! The door is not even locked!" Bayonetta said as she entered the apartment.

"Wait, what do you mean..."

"Oh dear my, what are we playing? I though you only ran the first game."

"Ahhh. You know, since you beat the world record by twenty minutes no one is running the first game anymore."

"What a pity. Hey, can you hand over the controller?"

"What? No way, I can't have you destroy all the fun for the second time!"

Bayonetta forced the controller out of Vladimir's hands and started playing the game.

"Bayonetta! I've been blamed for ruining all the fun after your first appearance! I don't wanna go through that again!"

"Calm down, the fun hasn't even stared yet! Now I advise you to get back on the couch and check the insides of the bag I brought."

Vladimir got back on the couch and opened the bag.

"Now I don't usually give autographs but I figured this one is an exception." Bayonetta explained.

In the bag was Luka's gaming laptop, signed by Bayonetta herself.

"Holy shit. You mean you're gifting this?!"

"Yep."

Vladimir was shocked.

"Oh my god. Bayonetta, I fucking love you!"

"I know, I know." Bayonetta said, laughing. "Now don't overreact again, I need your help with this skip."

Then Bayonetta went to see Ryosuke.

"Hello, Ryosuke. You know, since Luka is now officially gone forever I though I'd give you his camera so you can film the races."

"Oh my god, Bayonetta, thanks!"

"Yeah, there's also a helicopter standing outside, the one I arrived in. It's yours."

"Are yous serious?! I'll be able to film from above! Bayonetta, I adore you! You're my fucking goddess!" He was jumping in happiness.

"Please don't lose your mind in advance, Ryosuke. I have one more thing."

"What? What thing?" He screamed in excitement.

"This hook." She gave him Luka's hook.

"Huh? What I'll need it for?" Ryosuke said with confusion.

"I don't know. Luka used it for all kinds of stuff and I mean that. Actually, he used it on me recently."

"What?"

"Oh well, forget it. Okay, I'm gonna go home now"

"See you soon, thank you for the gifts!" Ryosuke said.

"Wait, what? Used it on her?" He though after Bayonetta left his apartment.

Meanwhile, Keisuke and Jeanne were driving back to the witches' apartment. Jeanne was tired so she fell asleep on the way.

"Wait, did she just fall asleep in a car?"

Keisuke's telephone rang.

"Brother, Bayonetta is making dreams come true today! She just gifted me a camera and a helicopter half an hour ago. Oh my god, I have always wanted to film the races and analyze them. Shit, I almost pissed myself when I realized what was happening."

"You say Bayonetta is making dreams come true today?"

"Yes!"

"Hold on, I have to meet her." Keisuke said and hung up.

Jeanne was still sleeping in the car, while Keisuke went to meet Bayonetta. He knocked on the door and the witch opened.

"Bayonetta, I've heard you're making dreams come true today!?"

"Please don't tell me you're going to beg for something. The presents are over, end of the line."

"No, Bayonetta, I really need your help.

You see, I like Jeanne so, so much. Please don't judge me. I feel like she is my only one."

"You're getting yourself into some serious shit right here, Keisuke. Trust me, she's not your only one."

"Anyway, she told me Umbra Witches don't have human partners."

"Well, I don't know. It happens from time to time."

"What?"

"Not with Jeanne, though. She told you you had to be a Lumen Sage, right?"

"Well, not directly."

Bayonetta started laughing. "Oh my, she always says that."

"What do you mean?"

"Ah, nothing. So you want to become a Lumen Sage?"

"Yes. I would do anything for Jeanne!"

"Ok, I'll help you, but just for fun. I want to see her reaction."


	13. A New Lumen Sage

**Act XII: A New Lumen Sage**

* * *

Bayonetta opened the garage.

"Where are we going?" Keisuke asked.

"To the closest Paradiso portal."

"What?"

"A different reality, a realm of light. Did you think it was easy to become a Lumen Sage? Now get in the car."

An hour later they got to Akagi.

"The nearest portal is here, Keisuke."

"Really?"

"Now hold my hand, dear. We're going on an adventure."

Keisuke held Bayonetta's hand and the witch helped Keisuke into Purgatorio.

"Shit! Where are we? What's going on?"

"You should really get used to jumping between realities if you're going to become a Lumen Sage. We are in Purgatorio. Here, the trinity meets. Light, darkness and chaos all in one place. Now come on, there is a passageway in the mountain." Bayonetta explained.

Keisuke followed her to the secret passageway.

"Our own home route has so many secrets?!"

"Hold on, we nearly reached the portal."

They approached the portal to Paradiso. Suddenly, Laguna angels appeared from it and attacked Bayonetta. The witch sent Keisuke back to the human world to keep him safe. "Wait a moment, dear, I have to to take care of our little friends."

Keisuke was scared but he remembered he was doing it for Jeanne. The witch appeared a minute later.

"Come on, I'll lead you to the Auditio. Just be wary, he can't see us together. Just tell him you want to sell you soul and be a worshipper of the light."

"The fuck!? You're joking, right?"

"Come on, we've all been there. I've never regretted selling my soul. I mean, I got to sleep for five hundred years. What more could you want?"

"I'll live forever?"

"If you don't get killed, yes. You'll also have to kill some demons every day, but don't worry, there are plenty of demons that deserve to be punished."

Keisuke was stunned.

Meanwhile, Jeanne woke up.

"Keisuke? Where are you?" She shouted.

"Fuck, he must have went to buy something from a store." She opened the door and left the car.

"I can't even lock his car. Well, he should have seen it coming." She though and went to knock on the apartment's door.

No one was answering.

"Cereza's gone too?"

Her cell phone rang.

"Hello, it's Ryosuke. Is Keisuke with you?"

"Uhm, I don't know. I just woke up in his car and he is nowhere to be seen."

"Ahh, looks like he's gone with Bayonetta. Knowing him, he would have returned long ago, but he has not yet as of now."

Jeanne looked at the clock and realized she slept for several hours. "Strange, what is he doing with Cereza for so long?"

"I called him earlier to say Bayonetta gave me a camera along with a helicopter. He told me he had to meet her. By the way, say thanks from me again, she made my dream come true."

"Wait, is it what I think it is? Unlikely. Cereza would not do such a stupid thing." Jeanne thought.

"Hello?" Ryosuke's voice interrupted hes thoughts.

"Yeah, okay, I'll let you know if I see Keisuke." She said.

Keisuke was walking past hordes of angels on his way to Auditio.

"A human? What is the meaning of this." It's voice spoke loudly. Keisuke didn't understand the words but somehow he understood their meaning on mental level.

"I've come to sign a contract." He said.

"You've come to sign a contract? It's about time the balance would begin to return and we would see a new light worshipper."

Bayonetta was already getting bored when Keisuke finally returned.

"Glad to see you made it!"

"I feel so alive now. You're right, selling your soul is totally worth it."

"Off we are on our way home?" Bayonetta asked.

"Yes. I want to see Jeanne."

"Yes, she would be pleasently surprised." The witch laughed.

They exited the secret passage, sat in the car and drove back home. As they were approaching the witches' apartment, they saw Jeanne standing near Keisuke's car. They stopped and Keisuke got out. He approached Jeanne.

"Jeanne, I'm..." Keisuke began.

"Cereza! What the fuck is wrong with you!? I feel magical presence in him!" Jeanne screamed.

"Uh, Jeanne, he asked me." Bayonetta explained. She did not like the idea of meeting Jeanne so soon.

"Cereza, it ain't funny. He does not even know what he got himself into!"

"No, I do understand. Jeanne?" Keisuke tried to calm her down.

"I can't believe you, Cereza! You've destroyed his life! I though you knew what I mean when I say I am interested in Lumen Sages only. My god, I didn't even say it to him directly!"

"We had absolutely no idea, Jeanne. We took it seriously." Bayonetta was nearly laughing and giving out she was just trolling Jeanne.

"He's not even a fucking Lumen Sage! You can't become a Lumen Sage, their Elder is long gone."

"Whoops. That I did not tell."

Jeanne approached Cereza and the witches began fighting.

"Jeanne?" Keisuke screamed.

"Alliances between Lumen Sages and Umbra Witches were forbidden! You've just been fooled by Cereza! I can't believe all this actually happened!"

"Fuck, can't help it!" Bayonetta was laughing her ass off as she was dodging Jeanne's attacks.

Keisuke walked off and sat on the bench. He started realizing what he has done and what a mistake it was. Meanwhile, the witches fought each other for good ten minutes.

"Now seriously, Jeanne, stop it. He did it for you. Can't you see that he loves you?" Bayonetta shouted finally.

"You're so wrong. You're a fucking mistake. A man would never accept such a deal because of his feelings. You must have hidden some facts just to laugh at us!"

"Don't underestimate him. Come on, I've explained everything to him and he did not back down. Imagine how he's feeling right now, seeing us fighting."

Jeanne backed down. "Maybe if he loves me so much, he deserves a chance?" She thought.

"Your first chance in over five hundred years." Bayonetta said and started walking away. Jeanne approached Keisuke.

"Keisuke?"

He was sitting in sadness.

"Keisuke, I'm sorry."

"Jeanne, I just wanted to express my feelings somehow."

"Well, that was a very stupid expression. It's such a stupid expression that I can't even help but love you in return."

Keisuke did not come back home that night.


	14. Foundation of the ULRT

**Act XIII: Foundation of the ULRT**

* * *

Bayonetta felt there was enough fucking drama in the fanfic so she decided to advance the street racing part of the story. First, she had to wait a couple days untill everything settled down. Then she could finally call Ryosuke.

"Hello, Ryosuke. I've heard you wanted to manage a racing team."

"Hey, Bayonetta. Of course, I wanted to manage a team for a long time."

"Here's your chance. I'm thinking about finally getting the two partners out of bed and forming the ULRT."

"What?"

"The Umbra-Lumen Racing Team."

"Oh shit, Keisuke's gonna be there, right?"

"Yep."

"I though he forgot how to drive after spending all his time with Jeanne for several days?"

"I don't know. So you're in?"

"Yes! I'm so excited!"

Bayonetta hung up and knocked on the lovers' door.

"Hey, it-a time to race! Jeanne, don't you forget why we got here in the first place?"

"It all can wait, Cereza." Jeanne answered in a sleepy voice.

"Fuck, what have I started?" Bayonetta thought. She banged on their door.

"Come on, stop listening to _Modern Talking_ all day! What happened to your love of Eurobeat?"

"Go race yourself, Cereza."

Bayonetta got pissed so she went out, took Keisuke's car and threw it through the bedroom window.

"BAYONETTA!? WHAT THE FUCK!?" Keisuke screamed.

"That's fucking it, Cereza. You're gonna learn not to disturb us again!" Jeanne screamed as she went to kick Bayonetta's ass.

Keisuke's phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Hello, brother. Are you with Jeanne?" Ryosuke said. Keisuke looked out the window and saw the two witches fighting.

"She's busy for now."

"Ahh, okay. So I'm not disturbing you?"

"No."

"Bayonetta just called me ten minutes ago and told me about this team she wanted to form."

"Yeah, I know all about it."

"Hey, that's a good opportunity to develop your racing skill. Remember how I advised you to race the witches?"

"Yes."

"Here's your chance to race alongside them! Using some of your new techniques will help. I will manage the team and together we will dominate Gumma."

"Ehm, nope. We're not interested." Keisuke said.

"Hey, maybe you should at least take a ride in your FD once in a while. Take a ride with Jeanne."

Keisuke looked at his FD that was standing in the middle of the bedroom.

"Yeah! I'm in for some fun!" He screamed out of nowhere.

He got into his car, accelerated through the window and started drifting around the fighting witches.

"Ahhh! I wanna have fun for fuck's sake!" He screamed in madness.

"Keisuke!" Jeanne screamed and jumped into Keisuke's car. "Cereza, you think you can keep up with us?"

Bayonetta got into the BMW and turned up the Eurobeat playlist. The car accelerated like crazy.

"Fuck, she's on our tail!" Keisuke screamed.

It was evening, so there was a lot of traffic as people drove back home from work.

"Shit, it's hard to dodge the traffic!" Keisuke screamed and braked.

Bayonetta took the lead by smashing through the traffic using the BMW's magic capabilities, also scoring a whole lot of Burnout crash points in the process.

Suddenly, a UI appeared.

"Keisuke, we're playing _Burnout Revenge_! Drive through the traffic, it's okay. Just be sure not to hit the upcoming traffic!"

"Got it!" Keisuke screamed.

Bayonetta used the nitrous and broke the 300 km/h mark.

"Hey, if I win you're both joining the ULRT!" She shouted.

Jeanne got triggered and used a secret Umbran technique known as "Witch Butthurt". Her ass was burning and acting as a nitro so they were able to reach a speed that exceeded Bayonetta's.

Natural Umbran instincts kicked in and Bayonetta decided to utilize her ability to be a smart-ass. Seeing Ryosuke's house in front of them she shouted.

"We are racing to Ryosuke's house!"

The finish line suddenly appeared in front of them and Bayonetta won as Keisuke had not enough distance to overtake her despite going much faster. The UI disappeared.

"SHIT!" Jeanne screamed as Keisuke crashed into his own house.

Bayonetta, being a total ass, braked using magic.

Ryosuke went out to investigate.

"Bayonetta? What the hell?"

"Your brother forgot how to brake." She noted and pointed at Keisuke's car that was going in circles and smahing everything around them.

"Keisuke, you're so much fun!" Jeanne screamed.

Ryosuke looked at them. "Shit, brother, you sure forgot how to drive. And why is your car not trashed yet?"

Suddenly, a DeLorean appeared out of nowhere, leaving a trail of fire on the asphalt. Marty came out of the car.

"The power of love! That is how they avoid the damage!" He announced.

"Who are you?" Ryosuke asked.

"What? You haven't seen BTTF? Ryosuke, you amaze me." Bayonetta started laughing.

"Hey guys, I've heard you are the ULRT. I know that you're more into serious racing, but I've though the witches may enjoy one last unserious race. A race against a time machine!" Marty continued.

Keisuke has finally stopped his car. The alliance of the century got out of the car.

"What did we miss?" Jeanne asked.

"You're racing me tommorrow, in the midnight. If you lose, ULRT is over. If you win... Well, you win. If you disagree, I'll make sure ULRT is never even created." Marty explained.

Then he went back in time to check out the Witch Hunts.

"A race through time would be great." Bayonetta noted.

"As far as I know, time travel works in a different way in the BTTF universe, so we might use that to our advantage." Jeanne explained.

Keisuke and Ryosuke decided to stay away from that stuff and repair their house instead. "Fuck them, brother, we're not into that kind of shit." Ryosuke said.

"I'll meet you later, Keisuke." Jeanne shouted.


	15. Back to the Future

**Act XIV: Back to the Future**

* * *

"Hey, Jeanne, do you think the _Bayonetta_ timeline is fucked up?"

"Hell yes!"

"Let us fuck up another story with our dimension and time travel shit?"

"HELL FUCKING YES!"

Bayonetta and Jeanne were driving up Akina in the 1960s.

"We're gonna meet ourselves there to know what preparations we'll need to make." Bayonetta from the present time said. "Then we'll setup the race. I'm also gonna go distract the Marty we seen today so hopefully he won't make any preparations. Remember, if he meets himself, he's gonna pass out. If we meet ourselves we don't give a shit as all of the verions we'll meet know what's going on."

They saw two witches standing near the road.

"Here they are." Present-time Jeanne said.

"Here they are. Lol." Information-providing Jeanne said.

"Should we go have a meal at McDonalds together? I remember it was delicious." Information-providing Bayonetta said.

"Shit! They are fucking with us." Present-time Bayonetta said.

"Remember, don't fuck with witches."

"Remember, don't fuck with witches." Both Bayonettas said at the same time.

"Fuck you!" Present-time Bayonetta said.

"Do you want the information or not?" Information-providing Jeanne asked.

"You're gonna win the DeLorean race! Let's go celebrate at McDonalds." Information-providing Bayonetta said.

"Fuck, you spoiled the whole thing." Present-time Jeanne said.

"You'll have to do everything we have done, though. So funny. We've already through this stuff and you're at the beginning." Information-providing Jeanne said.

The four witches raced to McDonalds. The withes from the future knew they'll win as they knew all the trajectories and mistakes the present-time versions would make.

The witches were eating at McDonalds. They ate in Purgatorio.

"We don't wanna scare the people, right?" They all agreed.

"You know, it's almost like if I make a wrong step, you won't exist." Present-time Bayonetta mentioned.

"Nope, you have no choice. You can see us only because we did all the same stuff." Information-providing Bayonetta explained.

"I can spill this tea!" Present-time Jeanne said.

"Yeah, it won't change anything." Information-providing Bayonetta explained once again. "You won't spill it, by the way."

"Such an illusion of choice." Present-time Bayonetta mentioned.

"So, Marty will try to win by going back to the past at the finish line. This is the only strategy he's going to use. That only applies if Bayonetta will be able to keep him from preparing other strategies. You know what I mean." Information-providing Jeanne said.

"Okay, we're off then!" Present-time witches said and got into the car.

"Hey, Bayonetta, I feel like playng the information-providing Jeanne."

"What?"

"Leave me at the place where we first met ourselves 30 minutes before now! I'll meet you later... Sometime."

The witches arrived at Akina 30 minutes before and met the information-providing Bayonetta again.

"Hey, wanna leave Jeanne? Don't worry. I'll give her back later." Information-providing Bayonetta said.

"What if I don't want to?" Present-time Bayonetta asked.

"You've no choice." Information-providing Bayonetta said.

"Ahh, fuck it, you can have her." Present-time Bayonetta said.

Present-time Jeanne was left with the information-providing Bayonetta and the present-time Bayonetta went to distract Marty from coming up with a plan.

"Bayonetta? What the hell?"

"Your brother forgot how to brake."

"Keisuke, you're so much fun!" Before-the-race Jeanne's scream was so familiar.

"Shit, brother, you sure forgot how to drive. And why is your car not trashed yet?"

"I have not seen myself back then. I must stay out of sight." Present-time Bayonetta noted.

The DeLorean appeared, leaving a trail of fire on the asphalt. Marty came out of the car.

"The power of love! That is how they avoid the damage!"

"That's my target." Present-time Bayonetta noted.

"Who are you?" Ryosuke asked.

"What? You haven't seen BTTF? Ryosuke, you amaze me." Before-the-race Bayonetta laughed.

"Hey guys, I've heard you are the ULRT. I know that you're more into serious racing, but I've though the witches may enjoy one last unserious race. A race against a time machine!" Marty continued.

Keisuke's car stopped.

"What did we miss?" Before-the-race Jeanne asked.

"You're racing me tommorrow, in the midnight. If you lose, ULRT is over. If you win... Well, you win." Marty explained.

Bayonetta stealthy approached the DeLorean to see where Marty headed after the conversation.

"If you disagree, I'll make sure ULRT is never even created." Marty continued.

"The witch hunts!" Present-time Bayonetta said.

"A race through time would be great." Before-the-race Bayonetta noted.

"As far as I know, time travel works in a different way in the BTTF universe, so we might use that to our advantage." Before-the-race Jeanne noted.

Keisuke and Ryosuke started walking towards their house. "Fuck them, brother, we're not into that kind of shit." Ryosuke said.

"I'll meet you later, Keisuke." Before-the race Jeanne said.

The before-the-race witches sat in the car and went back in time.

"Time to go back in time as well." Present-time Bayonetta said.

The present-time Jeanne was standing with the information-providing Bayonetta.

"So what version of Bayonetta are you?" Present-time Jeanne asked.

"What version? Well, I'm done after our little meeting. Listen, I want to surprise myself from the past, can you pretend you already seen the race?"

They proceeded to repeat the meeting.

Akina during Witch Hunts. Were there any witches in Japan? Looks like like there actually were judging by the amounth of angels all around the place.

Bayonetta waited and soon enough the DeLorean arrived and Marty got out.

"Hello, Marty."

"Wait, you can time travel as well?"

"I just want to thank you for your little race offer. You know what I mean, we'll have a good time."

"Oh, I'm not so easily fooled!"

"Come on, we're gonna have fun."

"No."

Bayonetta hit Marty and stunned him, then put him in the car.

"I'm gonna take you somewhere where I'll give you so much pleasure you'll have no chance to resist signing our little agreement."

Present-time Jeanne and information-giving Bayonetta were over with the whole scene.

"Where do we go now?" Jeanne asked.

"There's one thing you'll have to do. Marty will still try to time travel during the race even after he agrees to Bayonetta's terms. Make sure you solve that problem."

"Understood."

Information giving Bayonetta sent the present-time Jeanne to the actual race.

"The DeLorean, jump on top of it and prevent Marty going back in time."

Present-time Jeanne jumped on the DeLorean and the information-giving Bayonetta escaped.

"Marty! What are you trying to do?"

"Ahh!"

"Remember, no time travel allowed during the race!"

After the race was over, present-time Jeanne went back in time to be in the car with the present-time Bayonetta.

Present-time Bayonetta was finally ready for the race. She travelled to the beginning of the race.

Present-time Jeanne was waiting for her.

"I'll race with you. The Jeanne that prevents cheating is here, too. You'll have to tell Jeanne from the very beginning she needs to go here and stop Marty from using time travel during the race!"

The witches easily won the race as the DeLorean wasn't nearly as fast to keep up with them. After the race was over, Bayonetta went to the beginning to be the information-giving Bayonetta and tell Jeanne to prevent Marty's cheating.

Jeanne, on the other hand, had to bury Marty in a lake to prevent him altering the race later on.

The mindfuck is over.


	16. Witch Dorifto

**Act XV: Witch Dorifto**

* * *

Bayonetta knocked on Ryosuke's door.

"You can come in. Are you done with the time travel shit? Hey, I have spoken to local racing teams and we have come to a conclusion that the ULRT must use regular cars

in order for the race to be fair." Ryosuke explained.

Jeanne entered the room through a time portal and fell on the couch.

"So that means no magic is allowed?" Bayonetta asked.

"Nope."

"You mean none at all? I mean, we can still use the Wicked Weaves and similar shit without a magic-infused car."

"Yeah, we have a technique called Witch Dorifto!" Jeanne added.

"Well, they did not mention it, so maybe Wicked Weaves are okay. Anyway, the fact remains that you need a new car."

Jeanne got up from the couch. "That is easy to solve! Cereza, off the the car shop you go!"

She caught Bayonetta off guard and used a Wicked Weave to send her flying away through the window.

"Sorry, Ryosuke, I gotta help her. Time to have some fun!" The witch said as she drove her motorbike out of the window.

Bayonetta crashed through the roof and landed straight in the driver seat of a cabriolet Bentley. All the car shop employees stared at her in confusion. The alarm went off.

"Fuck, Jeanne, couldn't you have at least asked?"

Bayonetta used her middle finger to start the car and started drifting all around the shop to try and kill all the witnesses. Jeanne appeared through the main entrance.

"Cereza, here I come!" The witch jumped off her bike and landed on top of the passanger seat, leaving the motorcycle to crash into the shop manager. She took out her guitar and started doing a cover of *Night of Fire*. After several more sick drifts that sent people all over the place Bayonetta finally drove out of the shop.

A professional gamer that was known by his nickname "Juice228" was sitting in his house playing Stellaris. He hated when people interrupted him from playing the game because deep within his head he had a plan to take over planet Earth and start his own galactic empire. Some fangirls approached his house. Their names were Anna, Polina and Camilla.

"Demed, come out, why do you ignore us?" Anna shouted. "We know you're just butthurt, that's why you won't go out with us anymore."

Juice228 peeked from the window. "Who the fuck are you? I haven't expected any of you! Idite nakhui!"

He had a long history with these girls. A month ago they started stalking his ass. They were neighbours, so there was no escape from them. At first he though nothing of them and went out with them but he stopped soon after as it seemed they had no respect for him and their characters included everything Demed did not like in girls and people in general. After he stopped going out with them, they started coming up to his house every other night and waking everybody up by... wait for it... BANGING THEIR HEADS ON HIS METAL FENCE.

Demid went back to playing Stellaris. The girls decided they'll execute their ultimate ability once again. This time they even brought a metronome to synchronize their banging and hopefully take down the fence. The loud sound woke everyone in the house.

"Fuck! I hope someone drives over these bitches, I'm tired of their shit!" Demed screamed.

Suddenly, a car appeared in the driveway. It was the witches' Bentley. Jeanne was standing on the passanger seat and playing Death Metal. At first she though that there was a drummer nearby that synced up perfectly with her tempo of 160 BPM, but then she saw the trouble that lied up ahead.

"Fuck, Cereza, there's people ahead!" Jeanne screamed.

"Shit, can't dodge them!" Bayonetta shouted. Bayonetta thought she might as well put on a show if it's impossible to avoid the accident so she stepped back on the gas.

The collision sent Polina and Camilla flying to a whole other country, while Anna was used as a ramp. The car flew and landed on the roof of Demed's house and then used the roof as another ramp to instantly fly up Akina. Anna was so scared she ran away and decided she'll never come near Juice228's house again. Thankfully, no one got seriously injured.

"I don't care what that was but it saved me from these three putas. I'm in debt." Demed concluded.

The Bentley landed on Akina. A motorcycle appeared in the rear view mirror.

"Follow that witch, Carl." The man on the motorcycle screamed as he started shooting his SMG.

The Bentley wasn't infused with magic so it could easily be damaged. Bayonetta stepped on the gas.

"Cereza, won't you slow down? It's hard to keep balance!"

"Jeanne, he'll shoot the gas tank and we're fucked!"

A bullet hit the trunk of the car and it opened. Out of the trunk fell a body of a man. "Gaben, Gaben, Gaben!" The man started to repeat.

"Fuck, can't dodge him!" Carl screamed as he hit Gaben.

Carl and Big Smoke flew off the motorcycle. CJ flew down the mountain and got wasted, while Big Smoke was more lucky. He landed in the passanger seat of the Bentley, pushing Jeanne aside.

He started beating Bayonetta. "Big Smoke, witch, remember that name."

Bayonetta lost control over the vehicle and they drove off the mountain. She though this was going to be the end. The car was flying over the city and it was clear that both witches and Big Smoke will die upon impact.

"Cereza, I got this!" Jeanne screamed as she noticed a skate park. She was able to regain balance and stand in the middle of Bayonetta and Big Smoke.

The car landed on a skate ramp and Jeanne started doing insane stunts. Tony Hawk would have been impressed by this shit. Big Smoke was sent out of the car in the first jump. He flew over several districts and ended up landing in a KFC restaurant. It took him several seconds to realize what has happened and where he was.

"May I take you order, sir?"

"Hmm. I'll have two number nines, a number nine large..."

Meanwhile, Jeanne was able to beat the level and she decided it was time to finally park their new car. She used the skate ramp and the witches landed in Ryosuke's garage.

"The car is ready. Holy shit, that was a wild drive!" Bayonetta said, getting out of the car.

"So we're ready to discuss our plan to dominate Gumma?" Ryosuke asked.


	17. Ryosuke's Master Plan

**Epilogue: Ryosuke's Master Plan**

* * *

Jeanne didn't want to listen to Ryosuke's stupid fucking plan because adrenaline was still pumping in her blood.

"Bayonetta, you'll retell me all this shit, I'm off to skate in my beast form." Jeanne announced and ran away before anyone could say anything.

After a minute of silence, understanding of the situation came to Bayonetta and she started talking. "Well, I think we two should be off to discussing your plan, then."

Ryosuke offered Bayonetta to sit on the couch and took out his blackboard. He started speaking.

"Yeah, so first we'll race the local team of Akina Speedstars. It's a good place to start as I noted your drivi.." A bang came from the basement. "What the fuck?"

"Go on." Bayonetta said.

"Shit, I think we should check on what that was."

"The bang? You're free to check it."

"No, actually, you go with me, I haven't been there in ten years. It's terrifying to go down there."

"Ah, whatever." Bayonetta got up from the couch and went to investigate together with Ryosuke.

The basement door was rusty and the whole place gave out a horrible smell. Ryosuke unlocked and opened the door.

"Bayonetta, you go first." Ryosuke said in fear. "I'm just too terrified of the place."

Bayonetta hated cowards so she pushed Ryosuke through the door instead.

"Ahhh, shit!"

"Man up, Ryosuke." The witch said as she closed the door and held it shut. "I'll let you out once you solve our little problem."

For about five minutes Bayonetta could only hear Ryosuke walking around in the dark basement and sometimes saying things like "where's the damn door" and "I wish I remembered how to turn the lights on". Once he found the door, he started banging on it.

"Bayonetta, let me out." He screamed.

"Are you over with whatever business you had there?"

"Yes."

They climbed the stairs. Upon entering his room, Ryosuke noticed his plans were gone.

"What!? Where are the papers?" He screamed as he started looking all around the room. "Uhh, I can't believe what just happened."

"Wait, you mean we've just been fucked?"

"Yes..."

Jeanne was in the middle of a large combo when her cell phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Jeanne, the fucking plans, they're gone!"

"What do you mean, Cereza?"

"We got robbed!"

"How the hell did that happen?"

"We got distracted and the robbers supposedly climbed through the window."

"Is the plan such a valuable thing anyway?"

"Ryosuke says he was working on it for a whole year and we're not gonna get anywhere without it! They include all the theory!"

"Oh shit."

"Have you seen any suspicious vehicles around?"

"No, nothing of the unordina... Wait, I see a familiar van!" Jeanne screamed and hung up.

"Ryosuke, we're off to the skate park!" Bayonetta shouted as she grabbed Ryosuke's hand.

[Eurobeat Alert]

They got into the BMW. Bayonetta inserted the Eurobeat tape and they arrived at the skate park in no time. The van was supposedly turbocharged as it was going 160 km/h and Jeanne in her beast form wasn't fast enough to keep up with it.

"Fuck off! We're not the ones you're looking for!" Chains screamed as he saw the BMW approach.

Bayonetta began ramming the van and soon she was able to make it spin out and stop. Jeanne started shooting the PAYDAY gang. After all off them got downed, the witches were surprised to see it was empty.

"What the fuck? Where are the plans?" Ryosuke shouted in panic.

"I swear, we know nothing! We were paid to distract you, that's all." Sydney shouted.

The witches executed a torture attack on Sydney.

"Shit! We're just a decoy! The real thief is headed to Akagi! Please don't kill us!" Chains screamed.

The ULRT members got in the car and took Chains with them. Bayonetta drove to Akagi.

"Shit, we're gonna get killed!" Chains mumbled. "The boss would not be happy."

"Shut up! You better tell us where the thief is!" Jeanne said in annoyance.

"They must be at the top of the mountain already!"

Bayonetta started drifting through the corners as she didn't have nearly as much mana Witch Driving up a mountain required.

"Impressive, your skills have definitely improved." Ryosuke noted.

"Jeanne, help me execute perfect drifts!" Bayonetta suddenly shouted.

Jeanne got on top of the car and started using an accessory to enter Witch Time and kick the back of the car to send it into a drift at full speed.

"That's what I meant by other magic uses! The Witch Dorifto!" Bayonetta was proud of Jeanne.

A sharp turn was coming up.

"Cereza, a sharp one!" Jeanne shouted. She straight up used a Wicked Weave on the car's back and sent it into a sudden and fast drift.

That allowed Bayonetta to pass the corner at full speed.

"Ahh, it's shame Wicked Weaving the Bentley will destroy it!" Jeanne noted.

They reached the top of Akagi and saw a Bugatti in front of them.

"That's the car!" Chains said.

The Bugatti driver noticed the witches and stepped on the gas. With help from Jeanne, Bayonetta was able to keep up during the downhill race.

"Jeanne, get inside, we're about to go fast!" Bayonetta shouted to Jeanne after the mountain road was over.

After her Umbran Sister got back into the car, Bayonetta resumed the Eurobeat playlist as there was a long straight road ahead and it was safe to drive at full speed again.

The Bugatti was definitely fast as the witches were barely able to keep up with it, even with the playlist blasting.

Suddenly, Ryosuke started speaking. "Hold on, I think he's not even driving to his full potential!"

"What!?" Everybody was surprised to hear such a thing, even Chains.

They passed a small town, waking up it's whole population. It wasn't a big surprise police was called. Soon after passing the town, both cars entered a highway.

"Cereza, I think the police is after us!" Jeanne said. "Strange, I haven't seen police officers driving Corvettes before!"

"This is the SCPD! We will shut this race down!" The megaphone screamed.

The corvettes were only the beginning, though, as helicopters joined the chase soon after.

"A Hot Pursuit, huh?" Bayonetta noted.

It was hard for the Bugatti driver to dodge the traffic so the witches were able to get close to the car. A shadowy figure was sitting behind the wheel.

"Who could that be?" Ryosuke wondered.

Suddenly, a helicopter flew past them and dropped a spike strip. The Bugatti driver was able to dodge it, but Bayonetta hit it with two wheels.

"Shit!" She screamed.

Jeanne's reflexes kicked in and she used the accessory once again to replace the BMW's busted tyres with those she scavenged from other cars on the highway. During the whole repair job Bayonetta had to drive slowly so they lost sight on the Bugatti.

"Damn, we lost him, I should have changed the tyres faster!" Jeanne said when she got back in the car.

"You're not to blame." Bayonetta understood that it wasn't an easy job.

"My plans, my theory, my damn theory!" Rysouke screamed.

Suddenly, his phone rang.

"Hey brother, I just wanted to tell you something..."

"Damn it, Keisuke, it ain't time for this shit!"

"The Bugatti is heading towards Akina."

"What?"

"It's headed towards Akina. I can see it right now from my battle helicopter. Sorry, can't shoot it, I'll destroy the plans if I do. Moreover, I'm busy taking down the police helicopters."

"Brother, you're the best! Yet... How are you even able to keep up with the Bugatti?"

"I installed nitrous on this thing, LOL. Anyway, you should get here as soon as possible. I'll see you later." Keisuke hung up.

"Bayonetta, we're heading to Akina!" Rysouke said.

The witch exited the highway and started driving through the town. There was a lot of traffic and soon she used up all her magic.

"Come on, it's after midnight for fuck's sake, why are there so many cars?"

They reached Akina.

"The Bugatti is just up the mountain, get over there!" Keisuke spoke over radio.

"Jeanne, our technique!" Bayonetta shouted.

Jeanne got out of the car once again to help Bayonetta clear corners at higher speeds. Akina was an easier course, so no Wicked Weaves were required.

The Bugatti appeared in sight.

"EMP the Bugatti!" Keisuke shouted over radio.

"What?" Bayonetta didn't know anything about EMPs.

"It's the only way to stop him. Use the EMP!" Keisuke said.

"Just press this button!" Ryosuke explained to Bayonetta. He installed an EMP gun on the BMW when he was bored. He did not tell the witches of it, though.

This was the part of Akina that had a lot of corners, so it was impossible to use the EMP there.

"Get close to the Bugatti and use the EMP on the upcoming straight part." Ryosuke continued to explain. "Just don't overtake the car while locking on!"

"Understood." Bayonetta was now confident that she'll be able to successfully take down their rival.

[DEJA VU!]

Upon reaching the straight part, she pressed the EMP button. The EMP hit, but the Bugatti driver regained control.

"Should take another hit or two. There's another straight part three corners ahead." Keisuke announced.

"Jeanne, keep it up."

The witches passed the two corners at an incredible speed.

Another EMP hit sent the Bugatti to trade paint with a safety rail.

"Great job, just one more time! A straight part just around the corner."

The last EMP lock-on. The Bugatti slowed down in order to get behind the BMW and evade the hit, but Bayonetta rammed the car from behind.

"Don't fuck with a street racer!"

The EMP hit, sending the Bugatti into a spin. For a brief moment, Bayonetta could see a shadowy figure sitting behind the steering wheel. After about ten full revolutions, the car hit the safety rail and nearly fell down. The engine was destroyed in the collision, so the chase was over.

The witches, Ryosuke and Chains got out of the car. Keisuke landed nearby and got out of his helicopter, too. Bayonetta approached the Bugatti. The car was completely trashed and the engine was burning.

"Time to see who's behind it all." Bayonetta said as she opened the door.

To her surprise, there was no one inside the car. Ryosuke's plan was lying on the passenger seat. She picked it up.

The first page had a message written in marker over Ryosuke's text.

"You win this time.

Don't celebrate too early, however, as I'll still destroy your street racing careers later on.

Derek."

"Huh." Bayonetta didn't know anyone with such a name. No one around knew anything either, Chains didn't know anything of him too.

"Well, Bain met him, that's all. It's unlikely he'll speak, though. Damn, I would not speak if I knew anything. I'm a dead man now."

The police sirens interrupted the witches' little investigation. Bayonetta helped Ryosuke into Purgatorio, Jeanne and Keisuke escaped too. The police car approached the scene.

"We see the target, he's surrendered!" The officer said over radio.

"Hey, weren't there more people in the car?" His buddy asked.

"Remember, partner, we're not fighting for justice. We'll get our pay for this douche and that's enough."

The police officers took Chains and left the scene.

[Chains is in custody!]

Meanwhile in Purgatorio.

"Ehm, Jeanne... Do you want to take a ride in my helicopter?"

"Oh, hell yeah! Cereza, I'll see you later."

Keisuke and Jeanne disappeared into the dark obsidian night sky. Bayonetta remained with Ryosuke.

"You know, Ryosuke, you're actually a cool guy. I never knew there was an EMP in the BMW. You seem to know a lot about cars."

"Yeah. Actually, there was no EMP. I just installed it several days ago."

"How did you know we'll need it?"

"I have a talent of seeing the future."

"Oh, is it so?"

"Just kidding, I was just bored."

"LOL."

"Wait, hold on... There's something I have to say."

"What? To me?"

"Can't quite remember what that was... Ah, right. LET'S DANCE, RYOSUKE."

 **[INTENSE EUROBEAT]**

 _*credits roll*_

To be continued in "Initial D: PlatinumGames Stage 2". Maybe. Depends on your feedback.


	18. Bonus: Sanity Trial

**Lost Chapter: Sanity Trial**

* * *

 _Several days later._

Bayonetta was bored beyond oblivion. She decided to check her e-mail.

* * *

 _Hello, 1337UmbraWitch!_

 _A new character has joined the fray! Umbra Witch Bayonetta from Bayonetta is now availiable in-game, pushing the game's rating to '18+'. She has the best voice lines yet added. Our favourite is "Want me to get nerfed? Ask your mom!" We also want to inform you in advance that she's totally not OP and so you should stop with your fucking complaints or we'll kick your ass! You should just git gud, that's all!_

 _Hope to see you in-game soon,_

 _The Overwatch team._

* * *

Bayonetta got excited. "Holy shit, this is the best shit ever."

"Ryosuke, gimme your damn PC!" She screamed.

Ryosuke was working on a project but Bayonetta interrupted him, started streaming on Twitch and got into a competitive match.

She insta-locked herself in-game.

"What the fuck? Go 2/2/2!" Someone screamed in the voice chat.

Despite everyone begging her to pick a healer, Bayonetta wasn't switching her hero. They got absolutely destroyed in the first round.

"Fuck you, 1337UmbraWitch, pick a fucking healer or I throw." Shouted the DPS player.

"Nope." Bayonetta said. "Why don't you pick one yourself?!"

They lost the game. Bayonetta grew tired of her toxic teammates who criticized her every move even though she had all the gold medals. Someone started speaking over voice chat again. "Go fuck yourself, Bayonetta. You're a fucking bitch!"

Bayonetta got angry and shouted back. "Don't fuck with a cybersportswitch!"

She shot a lipstick through Ryosuke's monitor.

"What the hell!? Bayonetta, what are you doing!? Keisuke, kick her ass!" Ryosuke screamed.

Keisuke ran upstair and started fighting Bayonetta.

Suddenly, they heard someone runnung up the street.

"WHYYY?! FUCK." Jeanne screamed as she ran towards the house.

Bayonetta, Keisuke and Ryosuke stopped with their arguing to listen.

"I'm gonna execute a torture attack on his A-A-ASS!" Jeanne came up to the door and busted it open. She was crying.

"Cereza, fuck my life!" A bottle of vodka was in her right hand.

"Jeanne, please don't tell me you've been drinking again." Bayonetta said in confusion.

"Aaaahhh! Haven't you heard the news!? Kamiya sold the Bayo franchise to EA. The third game will require a DLC pack to play as Bayonetta, it will also have all costumes as DLC and a pay-to-win multiplayer mode!" Jeanne said with a growl. She was breathing heavily.

"Oh no, Ce... re... za.." The witch collapsed on the floor.

"Jeanne!" Keisuke got down to check if she was alright.

Bayonetta picked up the vodka bottle and straight up emptied it before anyone could stop her.

"Bayonetta!" Ryosuke screamed.

The witch entered some kind of trance, it seemed. In reality she was just having another one of those flashbacks she had in the first game. After a minute of lying on the floor, she came to her senses. Her eyes opened and the Takahashi brothers were frightened to see they were completely red.

"Блять, Камийя, ты ебучий долбоёб! Ебанулся совсем, что ли?" She screamed on top of her voice.

"What the fuck!?" Both brothers shouted and started to back down. "Bayonetta?"

"Байонетта пошла разбивать ебальник этому идиоту! Он познает гнев Ведьмы Умбра! И вообще, где моя балалайка!?" The witch screamed as she got back up on her feet.

"Balalaika? But it's not even made here in Japan! Seriously, Bayonetta, what the hell!?"

"Да идите вы на хер, придурки!" She threw the bottle across the room and ran into the garage.

"СУКА-А-А-А! ЕБЛА-А-АН!" The witch screamed as she drove away, smashing through the neighborhood. Little did she know Hideki Kamiya had nothing to do with the deal between Sega and EA.

The recording of the stream won the gold place in several "Twitch Streams Gone Wrong" compilations the next day.


End file.
